Anastasia

“I believe he believed that he wasn’t good enough.”

- - -

Timothy Loo, died of suicide at age 32.

It was September 16, 2012, 2 am. Jessica just came back from another event organised by her company. As a PR Manager, she was required to attend events as such every other day. It was normal for her to reach home late at night. She would have found her husband in bed by now and she will wash up herself before snuggling next to him.

She went into her room, expecting to find a sound asleep husband but what she saw was her husband’s body.

Pills were all over the floor, and their silk white bedsheets were dyed with her husband’s blood. 

Jessica ran towards her husband and tried to wake him up but there was no respond from him. She reached for her phone and dialled 911. She put her ear to his chest, praying to hear a sound of a heartbeat, but there was none. 

When the ambulance finally arrived, they found her sitting next to him, holding his hands, crying.

Timothy Loo, died of suicide at age 32.

- - -

If I am lost for a day try to find me

Anastasia was working on some paperwork when her phone rang. She reached towards it and saw an unfamiliar number displaying on her phone.

“Not again” she sighed, thinking it was another telemarketing phone call that she’s been getting recently. 

“Hello, is this Anastasia Tay?” it was a man’s voice.

“Yes. I am” She said while thinking what excuse she’s going to use to get off from this call.

“Hi. I’m Jeff. Timothy’s friend.” He sounded a little sad.

“Oh! Hi, Jeff.” She remembered Timothy mentioned about Jeff a few times.

Timothy knew Jeff in college and they’ve been best buddy ever since. Timothy told her that Jeff was his best friend and he would tell him anything that was in his mind. Jeff was also Timothy’s best men. She knew it from the photos on Facebook as she didn’t attend the wedding due to work. She was sent over to Finland for 6 months to complete a project.

“Is there anything wrong?” Anastasia was worried as Jeff would never ever call her.

“Timothy is dead.” Jeff finally found the courage to break the news.

“What happened?” she shouted over the phone.

“He killed himself.”

“… … …”

“Tomorrow will be the funeral. We’re having the wake today only.” Jeff continued.

“Ok.” And she hangs up.

Timothy Loo, age 30, was Anastasia best friend. Not many in the world know about their friendship because they kept it low. Not because they are guilty of any sin that the church will definitely condemn, but they were just too close for other to misunderstand. 

Of course, Anastasia loved him. She loved him in a way that she never loved anyone else. But it wasn’t a love that she will risk his marriage. She just cared about him a lot. 

This feeling was mutual for Timothy as well. When he first met Anastasia, he thought she’ll be like any other girl that he known. But she wasn’t. 

“She brought out the storm in people, because she knew wherever there were dark skies and wild winds, lied a truth, a truth that describes such love one can leave behind the moment they accept all the pain they have lived. And that is all she ever wanted. For everyone around her to embrace their storms and make them fall in love with their own violent winds.” - R.M. Drake 

He saw this and thought to himself that this described her the best.

He was OKAY with his life before meeting her. Plans to get married and settle down with his now wife were all well planned. But when she came into his life, things started to crumble down. He wasn’t as okay as he thought he was. He was nowhere near okay. He was acting out a life that he didn’t even enjoy. She broke down his walls and came into his heart, making him realise that deep down he was just empty and broken.

They’ve shared secrets that no one else knew about. He shared his darkest and deepest shame and she always told him the truth that he refused to acknowledge. In return, he gave her the courage to pursue her dreams, to be a teacher and impact lives for eternity.

- - -

It was 8 in the morning.

Anastasia slipped into her little black dress, put on a little makeup, wore her sneakers, took a deep breath and walked out of her apartment.

There were a lot of people in the funeral. Some familiar faces that she recognise but most were strangers to her.

She saw his wife crying, bursting out in tears, still wondering why her husband choose to end his life like that.

Jessica thought they were doing fine. Timothy was a successful business owner and Jessica was a shining diamond in her field as well.

They were the ones that others looked up to, but now all have become dust.

- - -

Anastasia stood across the funeral, she remembered their last conversation and she walked away.