The longest post ever!

A lot of things had been going on recently and I am compelled to write it all down so that one day when I look back I can see God’s faithfulness and goodness in my life.

So, let’s start from the very beginning.

Few weeks ago, the Miss Oyan Lok and I felt a burden in our hearts and we decided to do something about it. So we talked about and we eventually plan about it as well. But things changed when we have our disagreement and this plan of ours (Plan A) was on hold.

Although plan A was on hold, I still wanted to go ahead and change where I am now today. So I acted smart and came out with plan B which is to venture into another industry that I have totally no experience or what so ever certificate but a passion. I wanted to go into the creative industry.

It took me awhile before I decided to jump into it. Of course, Oyan being my partner in crime was with me throughout the whole journey. She helps me look through my resume and also the companies that I was interested in. And without her knowing, I send out my resume to different companies and there goes the start of all the drama. It was Sunday.

I wanted to join one of the companies badly. Mind you, I did not apply for a high paying job; I only wanted to be a trainee. I was ready to only receive RM500 per month just to get myself into this industry. But the day after I send out my resume, I receive a reply from them.

It was Monday.

I was crushed. And this is what I wrote about how I felt.

It was Tuesday.

I think this time is my first time to explore into the unknown. If I've applied for a job according to my degree I have no doubt that I will get it. Even if I didn't, it won't hurt as well. Because I know my value and I know I have opportunities waiting for me

But this time I went to the unknown. I applied something I have neither background nor experience. I want to follow what I love doing, I want to venture into the creative industry. I know I'm not good, I know that I have nothing attractive to sell myself to them, but I tried. And I failed.

When I saw the reply. My heart sank. The fact that he rejected me gave me a wound, the fact that he said I have an impressive background was like putting salt unto the bleeding wound.

What's the use if an impressive background when it doesn't help u or add value for u to land a job that u are passionate about?

I questioned all the past decisions that I made because I was trying to please others than myself. I questioned all the time and money wasted on this impressive background that I have.

Come to think of it, I don't think is impressive at all. He might just being kind to me so that I can handle the rejection better.

But I didn't.

It broke my heart.

Those plans that I've planned. Those dreams that I had are crushing in like a tsunami. I don't know where to go and what to do next.

For the first time in my life, I'm not aimless but I'm stuck. I know where I want to go, but there's no way to that place. I know I don't want to stay where I am, but I'm can't move. So now what?!!!

Not one, but 2 of my plans have failed continuously. I really don't know what to do now. And I'm starting to doubt. Have I heard God wrongly?

I feel like I'm drowning and I kept trying to find a way back to safe land. But the more I move the more I suffocate myself.

I felt God asking me to just be still. And I'm trying my very best to be. But just as I thought I'm safe, my flesh became weak and it moves and I drown again.

I was still pretty down even after all the verbal vomit. And I wanted to skip leader’s meeting because I totally don’t feel like going. But I did go, and that’s where the magic begins.

During praise and worship, God told me “Your days in University are not wasted, because there is where I found you and there is where you found Me.” 

I cried. Then God brought me back to my University days, He reminded me how I always knew there’s a guardian angel beside me even though I didn’t really know Him yet. He said that in my own quirkiest way possible, I always knew that He is with me. He reminded me how I once saw an angel appear beside me. He was always there and those years that seem useless are precious to Him. 

I felt better. But God is not done with me yet.

After all the meetings were over, I wanted to go back home. Yes, I’m introvert in any way possible.

But lo and behold no one else but Kevin Khoo came over and asked me to makan with him. He even reminded me that I ate dinner with him during Valentine’s Day at church café.  And somehow when he said that, I felt something. It felt to me like something is going to happen like what happened previously.

You see, the dinner I ate with Kevin last Valentine changed me. We weren’t planning any counseling session or what, we just hang out. And by just talking and chit-chatting, he eventually became the one that encourages me to go for drama and one of the few that ask me to just do it for my little book stall.

And indeed, God through him spoke to me. We were also just catching up with each other and talking nonsense. Then out of the blue I told him about the failure of plan A and plan B. I never once thought I will tell him the details of Plan A because God knows I haven’t told many. But I did told him and he spoke words that redirect my focus to Plan A, the original plan that God had placed in my heart.

“God can create heaven and earth in 7 days. Why are you limiting God? Why must it be one month?”

“When you are excited and not fearful, you know is from God.”

“When you are 30 and people asked what have you done, what will you answer? Rather you go for it and fail than you regret not ever trying it.”

“Shit happens before greater things unfold.”

“Rather fail while doing it than fail before trying anything.”

My heart was pumped up again and I remember I couldn’t stop smiling. And the next thing I did was to talk to Shirley. And the first sentence she said to me when she came over was exactly my plan A. 

How much more coincidence can it be?

But I don’t believe in coincidence, I believe everything happen for a reason. :]

And I think God is the reason behind all these things.

No matter how far I went, He still brought me back to this plan He had placed in my heart. 

So what’s plan A you ask?

I’ll review it later!

Yes, shit still happening in my life. 

But I have the assurance that God is in control!