Counting sheep ain't helping at all

Is 1:20 a.m. right now and I'm updating my blog.

I'm pretty sure if my mom reads this (which she most probably will), she will be mad at me and I will get nagged this coming Thursday when I see her.

Well, is really not my fault. You see, I've been trying to get myself into dream land since 12 a.m. But I guess when I accidentally slept after dinner earlier, I messed up my biological clock. So here I am, wide awake. With no idea what I'm going to do until I get tired and fall asleep.

Hmmm...

I shall do my verbal vomit. Maybe it will clear my mind and I could get some SLEEP!!

So, I realized is February already. I can't help but to think what I've done in January, the first month of 2014. The year that everyone looked forward to. A year that my church members would say "A year of NO repeats". 

Well, sadly I did nothing.

Well not really nothing, come to think of it.

I did went to Myanmar for a mission trip.

I did have a brand new hair cut.

I did try out a few new restaurant that I never went before.

I did went to the streets to spread some love.

I did just celebrated Chinese New Year.

I did learn how to play a few new songs with my Ukulele.

I did sketch a lot.

I did make a few bookmarks.

I did DID a lot of things. But somehow I don't feel satisfy of all this "achievements".

I feel like something is missing.

But I can't really tell what it is. Or I'm just too afraid to finally admit what is wrong.

No no. That's not it. I do know what is missing. I'm just too stupid, lazy and unmotivated to take action.

Sometimes I just don't see the point of doing it.

Most people would prefer to just slide by and well, make it happen when it happens.

And there are people who will NOT settle for the norm. They want something extraordinary, go into the dark and explore with the light. 

And there are, well... me. Stuck in the middle.

Waiting for the so called "right timing" to make things happen.

But things would not just happen. I must do something to at least try making it happen.

Right? No?

But demands, expectations, reality will kick in and look me in the eyes. Shaking their heads like they know it all and tell me to WAKE UP!

Then I stood there, stunted.

Lost.

Dream will always remains as a dream if I don't try to do anything about it.

But if I tried and failed, it will become a failure.

Isn't maintaining it as a dream is better than turning it to a failure?

But that also means I lose a chance of making it into a reality.

So I tell myself.

You know what! Screw them all!

One step at a time! Imma enjoy what I enjoy to do.

Surrender my dream to God and see Him work His wonders.

There is really no reason for me to stop because of FEAR.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of condemnation.

Fear of judgement.

Fear of people.

Have no stand in my life!

I live for ONE audience.

And I know, He wants me to enjoy my life in the boundary of His love.

As long as I heal the sick, cast out devil and raise the dead.

Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give 
Matthew 10:8

OK. Imma go and sleep now.

Love,

Constance.