Constance with God #9: your heart is for My heart.

Sometimes is just really amazing how God can bring you down and up within 24 hours.

I was feeling very down at the end of yesterday.

It wasn't about my own performance, because what is done is done.
And I didn't really care anymore.

But after having 2 different conversation with 2 groups of people, I couldn't help but to reflect on myself.

I wonder if I’m jumping into another hole like I did during my University days.

I wonder if I will regret the decision I made now like I regret the one I’ve made 9 years ago.

I have a clear answer on where I want to be in the next 5 years.

I want to be the voice of those who are voiceless.

I want to be a person that can help others with the experiences I have.

I want to share about God to different group of people.

That’s all I want, for His Kingdom.

But I don’t know how to go about, I don't know how to reach to the place where I want to be.

And I was afraid that I will jump into another cycle and then end up not accomplishing anything remotely near to my dream.

And if I don’t achieve that, if I don’t live for that, what’s the point of my existent?

Will then my life be pointless at the end of the day?

I couldn't figure this out and I was having a very severe headache.

But I went to Cell Group anyway.

Shirley shared a short devotion and we started worship.

Needless to say, I felt the strong presence of God the second the guitarist started playing.

I started crying and I didn’t sang a word for the entire worship song.

God was speaking to me.

He told me that the reason I find it so hard to fight for my dream or for other things is because my heart is always for Him and is completely for Him. 

And that’s all He want, my heart for Him.

He asked me to surrender my dreams and goal and vision to Him but I struggled and I asked God, without those then what’s this life for?

He told me, my life is for Him to worship Him, to be with Him.

That’s what I’m for, for Him.

And I say what about my life and family, what about reality?

I still need to live, I still need to survive, I still need to be like normal human being.

He said, what’s the use of all that if the cost to those is my heart for Him.

My heart is for Him, my heart is for Him, completely for Him.

God kept telling me that my heart is for Him and I kept struggling with it.
But at the end, I surrender, there's no answer to it.

I see myself, leaving all the burden behind, running towards Him and hiding in His embrace.

I weep like a child, again.

It didn't really make sense to me because even though my heart is for Him, then how about what should I do for my life?

What about those dreams and vision that I believe is from Him?

I mean, my heart is for Him, so?

What about those things, it doesn’t fit into the picture!!!

But God, as God is amazing.
I was googling and playing around with tests for "what should I go for my life" and "God's will for my life" and I stumbled upon this video.

“The moment you turn to God and seek His heart to know His ways, you are in the centre of His will.” - Pastor Steven Furtick.

And all of the sudden, it all make sense.

My heart has been for His heart, and I have been in His will all this while.

To struggle by myself so that I can achieve my dream and “live the life He wants me to live” is not in anyway His will.

My heart is for His heart, that’s enough.