Constance with God #13: God, I'm sorry

"Next station, Kelana Jaya, Kelana Jaya... … Ding dong"
My memory of my past month is filled with the LRT stations announcement.

"Is this what You want me to do Lord? Is this the life I should be living?" I asked God.
But before He could answer or even speak to me, I've rushed to the next item on my to do list.

Yes, unintentionally I've removed "spending time and talking to God" from the top of my priority list.
The occasional "ya lor. I think I need to spend more time with God." Only appears in weekends conversation after weeping in the presence of God.
But yet I failed to do anything about it.

"I'm too busy." That's my standard answer.
"I will do something about it." But I never did.

The revelation of me missing God only sank in during class this morning.
"You have all these now, you don't need Me anymore."
Ouch! The pain of that sentence was so real I cannot ignore it.

Is that how God feels about me right now?
He felt that I don't need Him anymore?!
"No! I need You" I shouted in my heart.
Yet this "need" that I have is not evident in my life, not in this very moment.

My job is not tough.
I only need to attend training every single day and prepare for my exam.
I made a lot of friends, maybe some enemies too but it doesn't matter cause I enjoy what I’m doing.

I laugh at the slightest things. 
The arrogant looking boy smiled today cause he found someone to carpool with.
The lecturer who speaks in such a way that reminds me of Hold Zhu Jie.
The story of her boy friend my friend keep telling me about.
And the friends I have who laugh at and laugh with me.

I enjoy all that and by the time the clock hits 4:30pm, I'm on my way back home. 
Is not a very hard life, but somehow I’m constantly tired.
After my training everyday, I’ll sleep in the train, wait patiently for the bus, reach home, prepare dinner and bath, have dinner, study, fall asleep occasionally, study again then before I knew it is time for bed already.
Some days even passed by without me talking to my sister.

Wait a minute, where is God?
No where to be found.
Things had changed.
I no longer spend hours to read books or play ukulele on a daily basis.
The 20 minutes that I have to read every morning before I leave for work is like a rare gem to me.
To be alone in my room and just spend time with God is even rarer.

For the past 2 years, I've trained myself to be aware of God presence wherever I am.
Imagining Him standing and sitting next beside me in my cubicle doing my job is not that hard.
But to be aware of Him in the midst of everyone talking and chit chatting isn't easy. 
I've lost that touch. My special touch with God.

God once told me He loves it when I sing to Him.
But when was the last time I sang to Him?
I don't remember.

What then do I remember?
The person who didn't text me?
Or the conversation I had with a friend?
How about the conversations with God?
I don't remember.
No, wait a second. 
Is not that I don't remember. 
But it's been a while since I last had a intimate conversation with Him.

The thing I feared most came to past.
Neglecting God in the midst of all.
God was never distant, yet I distant myself from Him.
How to balance between a busy life and time with Him?
I only realize it now that it is easier said than done.

God, I’m sorry.

Excuse me?

Finally have a brief moment of silent in the midst of classes, exams and travelling to clear my mind.

I miss doodling, reading and writing.

I won’t deny, I wondered if is all worth it.

But I’ll leave that thought to another time.

After I dedicated my life to God 7 years ago, I’ve heard a lot of different statements from different people about Him.

“How many of you here (all follower of Christ) are sure that if you die today, you’ll go to heaven? (I wanted to lift up my hand) I know I’m not. (what?! O.o)”

“Healing is for the unbelievers. You never see Jesus heal any believers in the bible.” (What?! But I need God to heal my eyes!)

Statements like these make me confused.

Back than, I was a little baby in Christ thus I do not know whether what they said is theologically right or wrong.

But I remember wondering if this God I’ve believed is really as what they’ve describe.

Since young, my mama told me never believe blindly what people preach.

And I think because of that, I started asking God questions.

Questions like if the bible says “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” then why are we in such a hurry to correct people’s outward expression without dealing with their heart? Why are we only interested in whether a person is still acting in sin or not but not whether they are still sinning in their heart?

Questions like why God gave us feeling if we cannot live by our feelings?

I never once thought that we can’t question about the bible until my recent conversation with some people.

I guess the “no questions asked” memo did not reached me.

I once thought that as a Christian, I need to know it all.

If I didn’t, I’m not a good Christian and I’m a weaker or worse Christian compared to others.

I often felt a little intimidated and insecure.

I especially hated when people said things like “Why you don’t know?! you SOT graduate le!”

Now, I’ll just reply “So? Cannot don’t know de meh?”

Or I’ll just tell them I didn't pay attention in class. LOL

But as I know God, I think is ok not knowing everything about Him.

I mean God is so big! How can I know it all?

Am I greater than God? No!

Little confession here, there are times that I think that I’m better than others.

But the truth is I’m not.

If I think I know better, I’ve not known God.

That’s why I’ve learned to listen to other people perspective rather than stuff my believes down people’s throat.

And to my amazement, there’s so many people with very different believes and view!

I really find it interesting!

But I still got to admit that I can be a little proud sometimes. *sorry*

Urgh.. I digressed.

The thing is this, I really believe is OK to question God.

People often say Christianity is a relationship not a religion.

What sort of relationship will it be if we can’t even ask questions?

What sort of relationship if we can’t even be real to Him right?

So ask question, and keep asking.

I don’t always get the answers to my questions, but God will always bring me closer to Him. 

And since is a relationship, then we shouldn't expect it to be the same for everyone.

Even I as a finite being relate to different people differently, let alone our infinite God!

I don't expect Him to relate to me as He relates to others.

He speaks in a language that I understand, which might seems weird to others.

But that's ok, cause that's the way we relate to each other. :]

Last day and first day

Today is my last day in my old company and first day in my new.

Impossible?!!!!

Who said so?!!!!

I just took AL to clear off my leave in my old company! XD

My official last day was on Thursday last week.

As we had our corporate prayer meeting on Wednesday, I bid farewell to all my colleagues with a simple “thank you”.

It was pretty difficult for me emotionally especially the last 2 days at work.

Suddenly felt like everyone is very nice to me and the working environment is too good to leave.

Some of them even gave me present, junk food, candy and chocolate!

I also received a farewell card filled with wishes from all my colleagues. 

A few really encouraged and touched my heart. 

“Think you’ve a mind of your own. Always like to listen to your perspective…”

“… strange but true.”

“Really like your gung-ho spirit”

As you should know by now, I don't always act in a normal way.

I have my fair share of struggles just to be myself.

But to read all these comments from people I work with really encourages me.

I am indeed strange in someways but true to everybody I know.

The last thing I want to do is to lie.

I always feel that honesty and openness is the key to build a better relationship.

And I am blessed to have people like them to not only accept but love me for who I am.

To make it worst, Shirley actually did a DISC test for all of us and my chart is constant among all 3 charts!
In case you have not done the test before, it means that I am very comfortable in where I am now because the way I am is the way I project and perceive myself!

Some have to change the way they project themselves in front of others due to work demands.

I looked at Jan and asked her if I shouldn't have changed job. ><

But I guess at the end of the day, you just need to take a leap and try.

Because if I never try, I’ll never know!

So far, first day at work is good!

I’ve made a few friends and God is really helped me today!

I had to open a bank account for my new company so I rushed over during lunch time.

I told the person in charged to be fast and he told me the fastest will also take 30 minutes.

And I was so nervous because the system of the bank hanged as well!

Whatever the guy asked me I just told him no cause I wanted to be quick. ><

I was supposed to be back by 12:30p.m. and by 12:20 p.m. I’m still in the bank.

It will take me around 15 minutes to get back.

I kept telling God please help me but I was still very nervous thus I had to keep reminding myself to surrender to God.

And miracle happened! They postpone my lunch break till 1 p.m.!!!!!!

I reached 4 minutes before 1!

Really thank God!!!!

Thank God for His strength as well, if not I think I’ll fall asleep. :]

Constance with God #12: Relationship with God

“Is it based on the bible?”

“No. Is based on my relationship with God.”

“Is it based on the bible?”

“No. Is based on my relationship with God.”

“Is it based on the bible?”

“No. Is based on my relationship with God.”

“Is it based on the bible?”

“No. Is based on my relationship with God.”

She repeated her question, and I repeated my answers.

Is no surprise that she will question my beliefs.

Is not the first time I got doubts like hers.

That’s why I always joke and say mine is “ajaran sesat.”

The question I often got from people when I tell them God told me this and that is “how can you be sure?”

The truth is, I don’t.

But I choose to believe.

To me, that’s faith.

How sure am I that what I’ve heard is not “wrong?”

Well, I’m not sure either.

But I believe with my background in SOT, I have a fundamental understanding of the character of God.

Thus if something I heard is out of the character of God, I’ll think twice.

For example, if I heard a voice that ask me to kill myself, I think I’ll know that’s not from God but from my flesh or the liar.

But to be totally honest, there are times that what I’ve heard from God is different from what I’ve previously understood.

I have my struggles with it and I kept going back to God and ask Him questions about the things He had placed in my heart.

But God had brought me into this journey of changing my mindset and beliefs for the past 2 years.

Is a very challenging and interesting journey that I’m still in right now.

The challenging part as I mentioned is the struggle between old beliefs and new ones.

The interesting part is how God had confirm to me again and again that I am not crazy to have all these thoughts and He is doing something new.

I’ve never really shared my questions and convictions to anyone.

And I don’t search on the internet for answers, I always talk to God about it.

And you know what happened?

God started to also reveal the same thing to the people around me.

And these people started talking to me and showing me videos about the things God had previously reviewed to me.

And is through all these people, I know I am not crazy to have all these beliefs.

And it is indeed Him who reveals all these to me because there is no way I can figure out all these by myself.

A lot of my beliefs come from my relationship with God.

If you ask me to point to you which part of the bible tells me so, I can’t really tell you.

If you ask me to explain to you, I might not get it through you well either.

But the crazy thing is, there’s always some resources out there with those same beliefs supported by bible references and they explain it well to.

And God in His ways brought those resources to me and show it to me.

I think He is also trying to push me back to bible reading which I’ve neglected for a while.

Anyway, my point is this.

I’ll never sure if is God that I hear.

But is my step of faith to believe it is God.

And even it is not God, I believe God is merciful, graceful and powerful enough to bring me back to the right path.

I rather take the risk to be wrong than not having a relationship with God.

I believe the Bible is the revelation of who God is and is not a substitute for God Himself.

You can think that I’m crazy, maybe I am.

But I’ll risk being crazy for God. :]

Constance with God #11: Vulnerability

2 weeks ago my mom was hospitalised. 

When my dad called and broke the news to me, I panicked though he told me that is nothing too serious.

I waited for my sister to come back before we went to the hospital together.

While waiting, I couldn't help but cry because I didn't know what was happening.

The feeling of uncertainty came back, like when I was 16.

When we visited my mom, I didn't say much.

I kept looking out of the window and I talked to God while my mom was resting on the hospital bed.

Me: God! Help me! I don’t want to cry!

God: Why?

Me: I don’t know! Because in Chinese culture crying is for the weak and vulnerable!

God: Yes. But great love flows from vulnerability.

WOW!

xxx

I reflected on this for a while and I think when Jesus came to earth for us, is God being vulnerable for us.

He was persecuted, shamed and rejected.

Yet is through this vulnerability that He shown, we are able to come back to God and experience His great love.

A lot of people that I know refuse or should I say afraid of getting in to a relationship because they are afraid of getting hurt.

But to express love, is to be vulnerable.

To give without expecting any back and risk to be taken advantage.

True and great love flows from vulnerability. 

That’s something to think about!

Constance with God # 10: everything is NOT going to be alright

The past week had been a turmoil to me.

Though I’ve decided to take up the new challenge and leave my comfort zone, I’m still pretty terrified with the decision I’ve made.

I know I know, God’s will is not about what, where and when cause all these are pretty much temporary compared to how, why and who. 

But nonetheless is till very scary to go into something new and start afresh.

And the worst part of this whole process is my freaking good memories that keep reminding why I decided to stay previously.

So I struggle, again and again.

Trying to convince myself that in everything that I do, my heart matters the most.

And is not like God walk into my bedroom and tell me that He wants me to do some other things.

So I guess this decision should be fine right?

But yeah, is still pretty scary.

So I asked God if everything going to be alright?

And you know what He said?!!!!

Normal human being would want “yes” for a question like this.

And I am a normal human being.

But God’s ways are always higher than mine and guess what? 

He said No.

To be exact, He said

No (everything is not going to be alright), but I’ll be with you.

*heart melted*

Argh God~

You say until like this already, what else can I say right?

But then, I’m still pretty freak out about the whole thing.

Mainly because there’s still many things need to settle and I’ve been dragging it.

The more time I let myself procrastinate, the more scary it seems.

But God is still good and He still speaks.

He told me 2 things.

1. The reason I’m so afraid is because I’m fearful of commitment.

Future is scary because no one knows what will happen.

With something tying me down, it feels like I’m losing a lot.

But I guess, only God knows what will happen and all things will eventually work out because whatever happens, I will have Him.

2. I need to learn to surrender things into His hands and just do what I can.

Life is complex because people are involved in the picture.

We cannot foresee what others will do and react, therefore it can be so scary sometimes.

But that’s the beauty of every relationship, is full of surprises.

Well, some are good surprises and others are just surprises that we wish to avoid.

Sometimes we just need to do what we need to do regardless of how other react to us.

Remember, always set goals which are within my own control and not depended on others.

Future, bring it on!

Constance with God #9: your heart is for My heart.

Sometimes is just really amazing how God can bring you down and up within 24 hours.

I was feeling very down at the end of yesterday.

It wasn't about my own performance, because what is done is done.
And I didn't really care anymore.

But after having 2 different conversation with 2 groups of people, I couldn't help but to reflect on myself.

I wonder if I’m jumping into another hole like I did during my University days.

I wonder if I will regret the decision I made now like I regret the one I’ve made 9 years ago.

I have a clear answer on where I want to be in the next 5 years.

I want to be the voice of those who are voiceless.

I want to be a person that can help others with the experiences I have.

I want to share about God to different group of people.

That’s all I want, for His Kingdom.

But I don’t know how to go about, I don't know how to reach to the place where I want to be.

And I was afraid that I will jump into another cycle and then end up not accomplishing anything remotely near to my dream.

And if I don’t achieve that, if I don’t live for that, what’s the point of my existent?

Will then my life be pointless at the end of the day?

I couldn't figure this out and I was having a very severe headache.

But I went to Cell Group anyway.

Shirley shared a short devotion and we started worship.

Needless to say, I felt the strong presence of God the second the guitarist started playing.

I started crying and I didn’t sang a word for the entire worship song.

God was speaking to me.

He told me that the reason I find it so hard to fight for my dream or for other things is because my heart is always for Him and is completely for Him. 

And that’s all He want, my heart for Him.

He asked me to surrender my dreams and goal and vision to Him but I struggled and I asked God, without those then what’s this life for?

He told me, my life is for Him to worship Him, to be with Him.

That’s what I’m for, for Him.

And I say what about my life and family, what about reality?

I still need to live, I still need to survive, I still need to be like normal human being.

He said, what’s the use of all that if the cost to those is my heart for Him.

My heart is for Him, my heart is for Him, completely for Him.

God kept telling me that my heart is for Him and I kept struggling with it.
But at the end, I surrender, there's no answer to it.

I see myself, leaving all the burden behind, running towards Him and hiding in His embrace.

I weep like a child, again.

It didn't really make sense to me because even though my heart is for Him, then how about what should I do for my life?

What about those dreams and vision that I believe is from Him?

I mean, my heart is for Him, so?

What about those things, it doesn’t fit into the picture!!!

But God, as God is amazing.
I was googling and playing around with tests for "what should I go for my life" and "God's will for my life" and I stumbled upon this video.

“The moment you turn to God and seek His heart to know His ways, you are in the centre of His will.” - Pastor Steven Furtick.

And all of the sudden, it all make sense.

My heart has been for His heart, and I have been in His will all this while.

To struggle by myself so that I can achieve my dream and “live the life He wants me to live” is not in anyway His will.

My heart is for His heart, that’s enough.

Constance with God #8 : Sweep me off my feet again

The hall seems a little empty without all the chairs around.

The band was in the middle of the hall and not on the stage.

It felt like one of the Strictly Students Service.

There were tables with papers and crayons at the side of the hall, and 2 big drawing stand just next to the band.

It felt like Bethel worship night.

I knew what was going on, Shirley and David want all of us to use our gifts.

If you see a painting, you paint.

If you see a drawing, you draw.

If you see a poem or you have a word, you write it down.

It was going to be a time of Praise and Worship like never before.

I struggle with the setting.

Is not something I’m used to.

So instead of mingling around before all it started, I went pass everyone walked to the back and talked to God.

Our conversation was something like this.

God: Why are you hiding here?

Me: I don’t know, I’m not use to it… I’m scared.

God: But is going to be fun, you know right?

Me: I know… But…

God: For me okay? Don’t worry. I’m here with you.

So I walked down to look at what was prepared.

Before I knew it, Prayer Meeting was about to start and Shirley asked us to hug one another.

I quickly turn my way around, hugged Kevin, Sylas and then run towards Jan so that I can avoid hugging other people.

Jan had a good laugh at me when she knew why I did that.

Then, the Prayer Meeting begins.

I totally forgotten what song we sang yesterday.

I was jumping, clapping and worshipping God during the first 2 songs like normal.

And when the band usher us into the 3rd song, I couldn’t stand it anymore and I wanted to kneel down.

I always struggle with God before I kneel down.

I will tell Him things like “ok, after this.” or “ok, after they start singing.”

But this time I totally lost that battle, I told Him I would kneel down once they start singing, but His presence was so strong I couldn’t hold it anymore and I kneel down crying.

I went from my knees on the floor to my face on the floor.

The presence of God was so strong, I can’t even sing a single word.

God was amazing, He just kept pouring more and more of His presence that I couldn’t handle.

At one point, I stood up thinking that I will worship standing.

But God wasn’t done with me yet, He brought me down again with His presence.

This time, I squad down and tears started pouring down.

My mind was still pretty alert and I was just telling God how much I need Him.

God, I am nothing without You. 

God I need more of you. 

I’m not going to stand until I have more of you. 

Lord, please don’t ever leave me because I can’t live without you.

Jesus!! Jesus!! Jesus!!

But God wanted me to be quiet for a moment.

So that He can speak to me for a while.

Is time to release.

I am not done with you yet.

I finally got hold of myself, and an image came to mind.

So I went to one of the table and drew it out with crayons and I wrote a whole chunk of words behind it.

While doing this, God is still messing with me with His presence.

I end up kneeling down and crying while drawing!

It was AWESOME!

I went to the back with my heart overflowing with joy and I started singing and smiling.

In the beginning of the Prayer Meeting, I felt God wanted me to pray for 2 specific people.

I prayed for one while the praise and worship was going on and another when Shirley asked us to pray for one another.

Someone asked me before why am I not afraid when I pray for people.

Am I not afraid that I will pray wrongly or inaccurately?

Actually, I don’t really care! 

hahahaha!

Okay.

Let me see how to explain this nicer.

At the end of the day, the words I prayed over them is word of life and not curse.

So there’s really nothing to be afraid of.

If is not accurate, then I’ll try again next time.

Is really not a big deal.

And I believe, even if I’ve prayed wrongly it doesn't really matters.

Because my prayer is not greater than God.

So whatever happens, God still have the final say.

So why worry?

Most importantly

I would risk being “wrong” rather than not pleasing God.

Sorry, I digress.

At the end of the prayer meeting, I was really overflowing with joy.

Ready to leave and maybe grab a burger before heading home, I bumped into different people and started talking to them.

I totally forgotten the sequence of all these moments but it doesn’t really matters la!

I was fooling around with Kevin, Melissa and Pearl.

Which I totally enjoyed!

Went and took my drawing.

Showed it to a few person and end up giving it to Pearl.

She said I draw like a little kid because I act like a little kid.

LOL. Make sense yo!

Kelvin saw me with Hazel and he told me that he got something to tell me.

I was like, what o? Don’t scare me le!

He said he felt like I had experiences and I’ve been very comfortable with where I am right now, is time to step out so that people around me can experience what I’ve experienced.

When Hazel heard this, she was like “ah! the same word again!”

I was still very confuse.

The stepping out part is pretty familiar.

I think Hazel prayed this for me before too.

Though is the same word again, but I never knew which area of my life God was speaking about.

At first, the word 'experience' sounds very negative to me. 

Like bad experiences in life.

But when he said that so that people around me can experience what I’ve experienced, I know what he meant.

So I asked Kelvin whether is the one that we talked about.

And after a while he said it makes sense.

But I wasn’t ready to do anything about it yet.

I’m still waiting for the “special moment” from God. LOL.

Then I talked to Hazel about this.

I also told her God had been reminding me about what she prayed for me earlier this year.

And she told me to talk to Shirley.

Reluctantly I did.

Know this, I am super comfortable with where I am right now.

And for me to step out again, is not easy.

Is actually pretty scary for me.

And is not like He told me specifically.

But I guess, at the end of the day, I just need to step out and take a step of faith.

*phew*

I finally left the hall after several attempts and I did get my burger on the way home!

It was really an amazing night.

And I am still overflowing with Joy now.

Thank you Jesus!

Constance with God #7

“You have gone through experiences in life, ye you are determined to keep your heart pure.”

The presence of God was very strong when she prayed for me.

Both of us had tears in our eyes.

But when Hazel said that I’ve kept my heart pure despite the experiences I’ve been through.
I had my doubt.

I mean, I’m only human, how pure can I keep my heart?

Sometimes I get angry easily.

Sometimes I say nasty things.

Sometimes I disobey God.

So how pure is my heart I wonder.

And for a period of time, because of what she prayed over me, I try my very best to stay “pure”.

It was exhausting!

Needless to say, I failed and I gave up.

It was only until few days ago God spoke to me in the shower.

He said I kept my heart pure by not letting anything stand between us.

I was shock.

He said, in the eyes of human I might not be pure, perfect, holy or righteous.

But my constant return to Him is pure heart to Him.

Because by doing so, I’ve acknowledged that sin had no power over me.

I am designed to have an intimate relationship with God and through the blood of Christ I can do so.

Now, don’t take this to the extreme and say that I can sin whenever I want because God’s grace is always available to me.

NO. I don't mean that.

Because I love God, I don’t intentionally do things that will hurt His heart.

But because I am still human, I fall once in a while.

But not letting things be between us is the essence of it.

No matter what, I know I can run back to Him and He will accept me.

Yes, I am thick face like that!

Constance with God: In the beginning

I felt compelled to write this, so that I can remember all that had happened and one day my generations to come will know that God is super real in my life.

I’m born in a half Christian family. 

By half I mean my mom is a Christian and my dad wasn’t.

But my dad is awesome that he don’t stop us to church and stuff.

He even paid for my bible school fees and supported me.

And I think he reflect a lot of Abba’s love to me and he don’t even notice! *teehee*

Since young, my mom send us to Sunday school.

My memory of Sunday school consist of the drama of the prodigal son, flower making for Mother’s day, searching for Easter egg in the play ground, a big kor kor who never failed to fetch us every Sunday and the competitive between us girls. *roll eyes*

My point is, God was a very distant God to me.

I think at that point of my life, God was a superior being that can make exams easier and time passed by a little quicker during the piano classes that I dragged myself to.

After that we stopped going to church because weekends were the days filled with tuition and piano lessons.


It wasn’t until I’m 15 that I encounter God again.

That year was the year my mom diagnosed with cancer.

I didn’t really know what was happening except that my mom was sick.

People around us started to come to our place and prayed for us.

I remember there was this one time when my mom’s church pastor prayed for us, I can’t stop crying until the mucus from my nose is long enough to touch the floor! *disgusting*

That was also the year my grandmother passed away.

Swept by 2 tragedies, my dad was still very strong in front of us.

We went back to Malacca to attend the funeral, I remember my Aunty Hellen prayed for us as well and I cried too.

One thing my mom said during that period of her life changed me.

She said “If I really die, I’ll regret not bringing you guys up spiritually strong.”

I don’t remember crying in front of her, but the fact that she’ll regret that if she dies it must have mean a lot to her.

So after a few years when I went to college in Malacca, I attended a service with another Aunt of mine.

But I wasn’t that interested with church or to know them better, I just couldn’t wait till service is over so I can go steamboat with my sister’s friend.

But God, never gave up on me.

I imagine Him looking over from heaven and smile at me knowing His plan of His to bring me back to Him.

The year was 2008 and I moved to Cyberjaya to pursue my degree.

I was the only one among my friends that moved there, so I had no choice but to stay in the hostel.

The first room I got was on the first floor.

The moment I walked in there, me and my mom decided to request to change room because the room was super messy!

Then we choose another one on a higher level and guess what? My roommate, she’s a Christian.

Pei Shee is not just a Christian.

She’s a girl who just accepted Christ few months ago in City Harvest Singapore.

And lo and behold, the one who prayed for her was my cousin who was studying in Singapore!

Coincidence? I don’t think so.

So when my cousin found out that she’s my roommate, he asked her to bring me to church.

I was a bit resistant at first.

I had some heart issue that caused me want to avoid as much contact as possible from Pei Shee.

But then when I moved out, she was the one that I turned to for help.

Ironic isn't it?

So I started to attend church.

At first we attended Acts Church, then after her struggle, she decided to go to City Harvest Church and I followed her.

But that year was also the year when temptation knocked on my door.

I wasn’t interested in church anymore and the people I was close with in church left church (due to studies) one by one.

In Christian world’s term, I backslided.

I remember Crystal messaging me and I kept ignoring her.

I remember skipping church and cell group for invalid reasons.

I remember avoiding any contacts with people from church.

Eventually, by God’s grace I went back to church.

I went back once in a while and tried to be rooted again in cell group.

But the condemnation, rejection, guilt and judgemental was so strong that I could not handle it anymore.

There’s this one Sunday service that I will never forget.

I stood among my cell group members and it was praise and worship time.

I saw people lifting up their hands worshipping God, the worship leader singing, the lights shining.

I felt out of place.

I told God, “God, this is not a place I call home. I don’t feel belong here. This is not my home!”

I was tempted to just leave the service there and then but I stayed.

But on my way back home, I cried non-stop.

I kept telling God, that’s not my home!

It was then I decided to leave church.

Note that I wanted to leave church not God.

I wanted to go to a new church to start afresh so that I can pretend I’m not as “bad” and pretend my past doesn't exist.

I decided to leave after the dedication of our new church building.

I think about a month before the dedication service, Pastor Phil had a conference here in KL.

I don’t remember what message was shared during the conference, but I will never forget the last service of the conference.

The preacher was someone I could not recall.

He was preaching and I was offended by some of his statement.

But during the altar call, presence of God was so strong and my heart was beating very fast.

I was weeping and weeping.

My heart asked me to respond to the altar call, but my brain said no.

I wrestle with God I said “No! I will not go out! Why should I go out?! I know what they will tell me! I don’t want to be judge! I don't want to be condemned! NO!”.

And God, in His softest voice ever told me this:-

“I’m not the one rejecting you. Why are you rejecting me?”

And that was my first time hearing God’s voice so clearly.

He’s near. He’s here.

Follow Me

It was Sunday again and my sister and I were late to service again.

We were so late that we were seated at the very back of the auditorium. 

Ushers walking, light shining, music playing and worshippers worshiping.

I have this annoying yet awesome habit.

As you all know, I read a lot.

And when I read something that convicts my heart, I’ll remember it, struggle with it and talk to God about it until it makes better sense to me.

That weekend, the theme in my mind was “desperate need for God”.

People go to church because they are desperate to have God in their life, not because is cool to attend church.

People go to church because they are desperate for an encounter with God, not because there’s a special event in church.

People go to church because they are desperate and there’s no other way but to seek God, not because it is “required” to attend church as a Christian.

Desperate need for God.

So as I was sitting there, looking at the huge screen and stage, enjoying the performance well planned by the church and looking at the people entertained by the performance and some of them busy snapping photos to update their instagram and Facebook to show that they are part of the coolest thing in town.

I asked God, how are we meeting the desperate need for You?

I asked God, how are we growing the church because more and more people realise that they need You?

I asked God, why is our church like this?
I was desperate to see a deeper hunger for God as a church, a desperate need for God that comes from a realisation that without Him we can’t do anything.

I was crying for change.

And then God said “ I Love them still.”

He said that, not in a way that they are wrong.

He said that, not in a way that He wants them to change.

He said that in a way that it doesn’t matter how I thought about the church, He love them still and because He love them, I should too.

And because He love them, I have no say in how they should be.

All because He love them.

xx

Fast forward to last weekend service with Pastor Jeff Lucas.

I only attended the Sunday service as I was away from Friday night and only got back on Saturday evening.

He shared an amazing sermon from John 21:1-23 with the sermon entitled “Better because of breakfast”.

In summary, he shared 4 points with us:-

Establishing priorities - faith or fish?

Resolving our regrets - sitting at the fire side.

Moving beyond pettiness - what is that to you? 

Giving God our now - receiving a prophetic newsflash 

It felt God was using Pastor Jeff to convicts my heart of the struggles I’ve been through lately.

When God planted this dream in my heart, it wasn’t a bright light shinning through my bedroom window while I kneel down praying.

It was just something in my heart that I wanted to do and after struggling for about a year, God had again and again and again invited me to so something about it with Him.

And I did.

But the thing is this, after stories and stories that I’ve heard from pastors, preachers and Christians around me, I thought God will come through for me. 

Maybe not immediately but within a period of time that I can handle. 

But He haven’t.

I think most of the stories that I heard missed out the part where they waited patiently for God.

I started to freakout, compare and ask God about other people’s blessings and even question Him about their achievements.

John 21: 21-22

When Peter saw him (John), he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.”

There’s a lot of dreams and vision that I believe is from God had not been coming through. A year had passed, 2 years had passed and in a blink of an eye it will be 3 years.

The same dream that I had, is coming through for other people but me.

Did I miss out anything or had God forgotten about me?

But the thing is this, whatever God wants it for another person and however God wants my church to be is really non of my business.

One thing remain, I must follow Him.

And as I freaked out on those petty things, the reality of life took it’s advantage and shove me with waves after waves of guilt, doubt and the need to strive and take control.

I was shaken and my priorities were in a mess.

It really feels like walking through water.

Easily shaken by the waves that keeps crushing in.

Constantly tired to fight through the waves.

But no matter how hard it is to walk through the water towards Jesus, I do not want to waiver.

Because even in this none fancy season of my life, I want to give it to Him.

I want to give my now to Jesus again and again and again until one day I return home and meet Him face to face.

I responded to the altar call.

Tears flowing through my eyes *thank God I did not had eyeliner on*.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I said repeatedly.

“Is ok. Is ok. Is ok.” He said repeatedly.

Constance with God #6

There’s a period of time earlier this year that I kept asking God the same question. 

Stay or leave?

It was our church service that day.

I remember it was during worship and I looked at the stage and the below conversation took place.



Me: God. I don’t feel belong here. I can’t call this home. Should I leave?

[trust me, I had in mind where to go.]

God: You’ve seen the work I’ve done in this church. My question to you is this, are you willing to be a part of this change.

Me: Okay...

—

I’ll lie if I say I never once thought of leaving after this conversation with God.

But He will always remind me about it again and again.

I’m staying.

Well, at least for now. XD

Constance with God #5

I was frustrated about the church and I was very agitated about it and I sort of complaint about it to God.

Me: God. Why is it the church is like this?

Me: Walao eh~ I cannot tahan a!! How can they do like this and that?

Me: bla bla bla… [more complaints which I’ve forgotten]

God: Don’t you dare. That’s My bride.

Me: Sorry God.

I remember long long time ago, one pastor said something like this.

“When you look at the church and how long they’ve survived, you got to believe God is real. Because if He isn't real, it is impossible for so many people to work with each other.”

I did not understand that previously but I think I do now.

Constance with God #4

This is how I feel most of the time.

A kick in the butt from God.

Real vs nice

I was about to sleep but there’s this burden in my heart that I feel it need to be poured out before I head over to dream land.

I was talking to my colleague earlier today and I told her that I’m more real to them than to my church members.

Is sad, but is true.

I ponder about it for a moment and I realise I’m more real when I’m with my friends compared to my church members.

I remembered long ago when I needed help, my first instinct was to look for my friends instead of church members. My friends were the ones that pull me through my darkest day, joke with me and lift me up again. Now, though I might not look for my friends when I need help, but I still never look for my church members for help.

Put me into a situation where I need to confront someone, it’s easier for me to tell the truth brutally to my friends but I can't do it to my church members because I think I should be "nice".

So I thought, what is the problem? Why the double standard?

I ask God, why can’t I be real towards my church members but instead I want to be "nice"?

You know what He said? 

He told me that I choose to be "nice" because I am afraid of their comments and reactions towards me. 

What will they say? What will they think?

And I have wrongly taken those comments as God's thoughts about me.

But God is God, and they are not God no matter they are church members, leaders or even pastor. They are not God.

So if they ever said something negative about me, is ok. 

That shouldn't diminish my value, because my value is given by God not them. 

They can't take away what they have not given me.

God had proven my value when He sent Jesus to die on the cross as me.

For the past few months, a lot of misunderstandings took place and I felt pressured to compromise to be like the norm. 

I have to constantly remind myself that this life I live, I live for God. 

And that means I have to do what Abba showed and asked me to do even though I might hear a lot of voices calling me to do otherwise.

I’m not being mean to the church, I’m being real to my feelings. 

As I always said that feelings is not the dictator of our life but it serves well as an indicator of something deeper. 

If I constantly have this feeling, it means something is wrong and I have to commit it to God and deal with it. 

Once dealt with, I need not to bury it anymore but to constantly renew my mind to be more Christ like.

:]

In times of hardship, remember.

Was reminded of this beautiful scene just moments ago and decided to draw it out.

I still can recall the joy, peace and excitement I had that moment!
It wasn't an easy route to make that decision but nevertheless I decided with the courage He gave me.

And in times, I will be discouraged and impatient.
Who am I kidding? It happened just few days ago.

But I must remember.

Remember all the promises.

Remember all the reason.

Remember Him.

:]

Constance with God #3

Scrolling through Instagram and stumble upon a picture of a group of friend gathering.

Felt a little upset because one of them promised to ask me along.

Me: God, why they didn’t invite me? She promised.

God: Why do you care so much about people that you don’t even like.

Me: LOL. You got a point!

Constance with God #2

This conversation took place on the same day as this one.

My friend got lost on his way to my house and I was very irritated by it.

I felt that I had got him into trouble just because I needed a ride to cell group.

I was on the phone with him and at that very moment, my sister was back from work.

I got angry. (Ya, by now you should have realise that I have an anger problem. LOL)

I was angry because if she would told me that she’s not going to her CG, then I will be able to drive to my CG instead of troubling others.

With my heart filled with anger this conversation took place:-

Me: Why is she always like this? Never thought of me?

God: … … … 

Me: If she would have told me earlier, then I could have drove and no need to trouble others.

God: You should be grateful that she’s back.

Me: … … … 

God: If she wasn't back on time, you wouldn't be able to get out of the house and no one can drive you to Andrew. (My friend couldn't find my place and he waited me at the petrol station.)

Me: ... ... Sorry God. Sorry.

Constance with God #1

Inspired by “Things Shorty and Fatty say” by Timothy Tiah, I decided to start something similar!

CwG can stands for

Conversation with God

Communication with God

Constantly with God

Connect with God

or simply

Constance with God :]

Talking to God is a huge part of my life. 

I talk to Him all the time! 

And He never fail to amaze me!

Therefore, I want to pen all these down so that I can remember.

One day, if I ever need some encouragement and faith to believe, I can always come refer to all these small talks with God. ^^

Constance with God #1

A little bit of back story on this. Few days ago, we have our usual weekly Cell Group meetings (CGM). 

I kinna decided to skip it cause the girl who can fetched me is not going due to her parents were in town. 

But I received a text that afternoon from my friend, Jan and she told me that another member will be coming to fetch me. I was furious!

Me: God! How can they do this? Last week when I ask who can fetch me, no one reply. This week I no ask then they arrange it for me? They didn’t even ask me! I got say I want to go meh? If I got plans already how? Why they don’t respect me?

God: Respect is earned, you cannot demand people to respect you.

Me: Ya! But they still cannot like this ma!

God: Have you forgotten what you wrote to me yesterday night?

Then I remembered, this was what I wrote the night before. 

“Lord, tomorrow how? How are we going for PM (CGM)? Even go already also no car back. T.T How are? Can You provide? Please~~~”

Me: Sorry God. Sorry.

***

I've heard a lot of people say we cannot live our lives according to our feelings alone.

I agree with that, but that it does not mean we should just bury all negative feelings.

I think is better to deal with it every single time so that it will gather into mountain and burst like a volcano in the future.

Feelings should not be a dictator of our lives but it is a good indicator of something deeper.

Therefore I make it a point to tell God how I feel regardless is good or bad.

And He always, without fail will deal it with me and make sense of it.

This are just one of the many conversation I had we God when I spill out my feelings to Him.

More to come! :)