Constance with God: In the beginning

I felt compelled to write this, so that I can remember all that had happened and one day my generations to come will know that God is super real in my life.

I’m born in a half Christian family. 

By half I mean my mom is a Christian and my dad wasn’t.

But my dad is awesome that he don’t stop us to church and stuff.

He even paid for my bible school fees and supported me.

And I think he reflect a lot of Abba’s love to me and he don’t even notice! *teehee*

Since young, my mom send us to Sunday school.

My memory of Sunday school consist of the drama of the prodigal son, flower making for Mother’s day, searching for Easter egg in the play ground, a big kor kor who never failed to fetch us every Sunday and the competitive between us girls. *roll eyes*

My point is, God was a very distant God to me.

I think at that point of my life, God was a superior being that can make exams easier and time passed by a little quicker during the piano classes that I dragged myself to.

After that we stopped going to church because weekends were the days filled with tuition and piano lessons.


It wasn’t until I’m 15 that I encounter God again.

That year was the year my mom diagnosed with cancer.

I didn’t really know what was happening except that my mom was sick.

People around us started to come to our place and prayed for us.

I remember there was this one time when my mom’s church pastor prayed for us, I can’t stop crying until the mucus from my nose is long enough to touch the floor! *disgusting*

That was also the year my grandmother passed away.

Swept by 2 tragedies, my dad was still very strong in front of us.

We went back to Malacca to attend the funeral, I remember my Aunty Hellen prayed for us as well and I cried too.

One thing my mom said during that period of her life changed me.

She said “If I really die, I’ll regret not bringing you guys up spiritually strong.”

I don’t remember crying in front of her, but the fact that she’ll regret that if she dies it must have mean a lot to her.

So after a few years when I went to college in Malacca, I attended a service with another Aunt of mine.

But I wasn’t that interested with church or to know them better, I just couldn’t wait till service is over so I can go steamboat with my sister’s friend.

But God, never gave up on me.

I imagine Him looking over from heaven and smile at me knowing His plan of His to bring me back to Him.

The year was 2008 and I moved to Cyberjaya to pursue my degree.

I was the only one among my friends that moved there, so I had no choice but to stay in the hostel.

The first room I got was on the first floor.

The moment I walked in there, me and my mom decided to request to change room because the room was super messy!

Then we choose another one on a higher level and guess what? My roommate, she’s a Christian.

Pei Shee is not just a Christian.

She’s a girl who just accepted Christ few months ago in City Harvest Singapore.

And lo and behold, the one who prayed for her was my cousin who was studying in Singapore!

Coincidence? I don’t think so.

So when my cousin found out that she’s my roommate, he asked her to bring me to church.

I was a bit resistant at first.

I had some heart issue that caused me want to avoid as much contact as possible from Pei Shee.

But then when I moved out, she was the one that I turned to for help.

Ironic isn't it?

So I started to attend church.

At first we attended Acts Church, then after her struggle, she decided to go to City Harvest Church and I followed her.

But that year was also the year when temptation knocked on my door.

I wasn’t interested in church anymore and the people I was close with in church left church (due to studies) one by one.

In Christian world’s term, I backslided.

I remember Crystal messaging me and I kept ignoring her.

I remember skipping church and cell group for invalid reasons.

I remember avoiding any contacts with people from church.

Eventually, by God’s grace I went back to church.

I went back once in a while and tried to be rooted again in cell group.

But the condemnation, rejection, guilt and judgemental was so strong that I could not handle it anymore.

There’s this one Sunday service that I will never forget.

I stood among my cell group members and it was praise and worship time.

I saw people lifting up their hands worshipping God, the worship leader singing, the lights shining.

I felt out of place.

I told God, “God, this is not a place I call home. I don’t feel belong here. This is not my home!”

I was tempted to just leave the service there and then but I stayed.

But on my way back home, I cried non-stop.

I kept telling God, that’s not my home!

It was then I decided to leave church.

Note that I wanted to leave church not God.

I wanted to go to a new church to start afresh so that I can pretend I’m not as “bad” and pretend my past doesn't exist.

I decided to leave after the dedication of our new church building.

I think about a month before the dedication service, Pastor Phil had a conference here in KL.

I don’t remember what message was shared during the conference, but I will never forget the last service of the conference.

The preacher was someone I could not recall.

He was preaching and I was offended by some of his statement.

But during the altar call, presence of God was so strong and my heart was beating very fast.

I was weeping and weeping.

My heart asked me to respond to the altar call, but my brain said no.

I wrestle with God I said “No! I will not go out! Why should I go out?! I know what they will tell me! I don’t want to be judge! I don't want to be condemned! NO!”.

And God, in His softest voice ever told me this:-

“I’m not the one rejecting you. Why are you rejecting me?”

And that was my first time hearing God’s voice so clearly.

He’s near. He’s here.