Real vs nice

I was about to sleep but there’s this burden in my heart that I feel it need to be poured out before I head over to dream land.

I was talking to my colleague earlier today and I told her that I’m more real to them than to my church members.

Is sad, but is true.

I ponder about it for a moment and I realise I’m more real when I’m with my friends compared to my church members.

I remembered long ago when I needed help, my first instinct was to look for my friends instead of church members. My friends were the ones that pull me through my darkest day, joke with me and lift me up again. Now, though I might not look for my friends when I need help, but I still never look for my church members for help.

Put me into a situation where I need to confront someone, it’s easier for me to tell the truth brutally to my friends but I can't do it to my church members because I think I should be "nice".

So I thought, what is the problem? Why the double standard?

I ask God, why can’t I be real towards my church members but instead I want to be "nice"?

You know what He said? 

He told me that I choose to be "nice" because I am afraid of their comments and reactions towards me. 

What will they say? What will they think?

And I have wrongly taken those comments as God's thoughts about me.

But God is God, and they are not God no matter they are church members, leaders or even pastor. They are not God.

So if they ever said something negative about me, is ok. 

That shouldn't diminish my value, because my value is given by God not them. 

They can't take away what they have not given me.

God had proven my value when He sent Jesus to die on the cross as me.

For the past few months, a lot of misunderstandings took place and I felt pressured to compromise to be like the norm. 

I have to constantly remind myself that this life I live, I live for God. 

And that means I have to do what Abba showed and asked me to do even though I might hear a lot of voices calling me to do otherwise.

I’m not being mean to the church, I’m being real to my feelings. 

As I always said that feelings is not the dictator of our life but it serves well as an indicator of something deeper. 

If I constantly have this feeling, it means something is wrong and I have to commit it to God and deal with it. 

Once dealt with, I need not to bury it anymore but to constantly renew my mind to be more Christ like.

:]