"Next station, Kelana Jaya, Kelana Jaya... … Ding dong"
My memory of my past month is filled with the LRT stations announcement.
"Is this what You want me to do Lord? Is this the life I should be living?" I asked God.
But before He could answer or even speak to me, I've rushed to the next item on my to do list.
Yes, unintentionally I've removed "spending time and talking to God" from the top of my priority list.
The occasional "ya lor. I think I need to spend more time with God." Only appears in weekends conversation after weeping in the presence of God.
But yet I failed to do anything about it.
"I'm too busy." That's my standard answer.
"I will do something about it." But I never did.
The revelation of me missing God only sank in during class this morning.
"You have all these now, you don't need Me anymore."
Ouch! The pain of that sentence was so real I cannot ignore it.
Is that how God feels about me right now?
He felt that I don't need Him anymore?!
"No! I need You" I shouted in my heart.
Yet this "need" that I have is not evident in my life, not in this very moment.
My job is not tough.
I only need to attend training every single day and prepare for my exam.
I made a lot of friends, maybe some enemies too but it doesn't matter cause I enjoy what I’m doing.
I laugh at the slightest things.
The arrogant looking boy smiled today cause he found someone to carpool with.
The lecturer who speaks in such a way that reminds me of Hold Zhu Jie.
The story of her boy friend my friend keep telling me about.
And the friends I have who laugh at and laugh with me.
I enjoy all that and by the time the clock hits 4:30pm, I'm on my way back home.
Is not a very hard life, but somehow I’m constantly tired.
After my training everyday, I’ll sleep in the train, wait patiently for the bus, reach home, prepare dinner and bath, have dinner, study, fall asleep occasionally, study again then before I knew it is time for bed already.
Some days even passed by without me talking to my sister.
Wait a minute, where is God?
No where to be found.
Things had changed.
I no longer spend hours to read books or play ukulele on a daily basis.
The 20 minutes that I have to read every morning before I leave for work is like a rare gem to me.
To be alone in my room and just spend time with God is even rarer.
For the past 2 years, I've trained myself to be aware of God presence wherever I am.
Imagining Him standing and sitting next beside me in my cubicle doing my job is not that hard.
But to be aware of Him in the midst of everyone talking and chit chatting isn't easy.
I've lost that touch. My special touch with God.
God once told me He loves it when I sing to Him.
But when was the last time I sang to Him?
I don't remember.
What then do I remember?
The person who didn't text me?
Or the conversation I had with a friend?
How about the conversations with God?
I don't remember.
No, wait a second.
Is not that I don't remember.
But it's been a while since I last had a intimate conversation with Him.
The thing I feared most came to past.
Neglecting God in the midst of all.
God was never distant, yet I distant myself from Him.
How to balance between a busy life and time with Him?
I only realize it now that it is easier said than done.
God, I’m sorry.
My memory of my past month is filled with the LRT stations announcement.
"Is this what You want me to do Lord? Is this the life I should be living?" I asked God.
But before He could answer or even speak to me, I've rushed to the next item on my to do list.
Yes, unintentionally I've removed "spending time and talking to God" from the top of my priority list.
The occasional "ya lor. I think I need to spend more time with God." Only appears in weekends conversation after weeping in the presence of God.
But yet I failed to do anything about it.
"I'm too busy." That's my standard answer.
"I will do something about it." But I never did.
The revelation of me missing God only sank in during class this morning.
"You have all these now, you don't need Me anymore."
Ouch! The pain of that sentence was so real I cannot ignore it.
Is that how God feels about me right now?
He felt that I don't need Him anymore?!
"No! I need You" I shouted in my heart.
Yet this "need" that I have is not evident in my life, not in this very moment.
My job is not tough.
I only need to attend training every single day and prepare for my exam.
I made a lot of friends, maybe some enemies too but it doesn't matter cause I enjoy what I’m doing.
I laugh at the slightest things.
The arrogant looking boy smiled today cause he found someone to carpool with.
The lecturer who speaks in such a way that reminds me of Hold Zhu Jie.
The story of her boy friend my friend keep telling me about.
And the friends I have who laugh at and laugh with me.
I enjoy all that and by the time the clock hits 4:30pm, I'm on my way back home.
Is not a very hard life, but somehow I’m constantly tired.
After my training everyday, I’ll sleep in the train, wait patiently for the bus, reach home, prepare dinner and bath, have dinner, study, fall asleep occasionally, study again then before I knew it is time for bed already.
Some days even passed by without me talking to my sister.
Wait a minute, where is God?
No where to be found.
Things had changed.
I no longer spend hours to read books or play ukulele on a daily basis.
The 20 minutes that I have to read every morning before I leave for work is like a rare gem to me.
To be alone in my room and just spend time with God is even rarer.
For the past 2 years, I've trained myself to be aware of God presence wherever I am.
Imagining Him standing and sitting next beside me in my cubicle doing my job is not that hard.
But to be aware of Him in the midst of everyone talking and chit chatting isn't easy.
I've lost that touch. My special touch with God.
God once told me He loves it when I sing to Him.
But when was the last time I sang to Him?
I don't remember.
What then do I remember?
The person who didn't text me?
Or the conversation I had with a friend?
How about the conversations with God?
I don't remember.
No, wait a second.
Is not that I don't remember.
But it's been a while since I last had a intimate conversation with Him.
The thing I feared most came to past.
Neglecting God in the midst of all.
God was never distant, yet I distant myself from Him.
How to balance between a busy life and time with Him?
I only realize it now that it is easier said than done.
God, I’m sorry.
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