Judge me if you will

Sometime I can be a bit lost and confuse. I don't know why I've given some people the permission to get to my nerves that much.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and I fire out my good old sarcasm boom. 

And it makes me feels like a jerk. 

I ask God to forgive my behavior and God say ask and we shall receive. Yet I still hold grudge towards myself. I think that's human problem, we tend to not forgive what God had already forgave. Somehow we think and act like we are greater than God, that even when God has forgiven and seek no 'revenge' we still want to have our own 'justice'. Then the question will be who is God? 

But I'm not going into that. It will be way to long for me to express my belief and what I stand for. 

I've been having this struggle for a while. In fact I had it for a very long time. Sometimes I can sweep it all under the carpet but sometimes I can't. So I do my best to avoid. Though it seems fun to say that I'm ugly and my baby will be ugly as well, it still hurts. More than I wanted it to be. And those sarcasms for judging the way I act seem to be fairly unfair. Why people expect me to act in certain ways? Just because I'm a Christian I should be judge with another set of rules or dos and don’ts? 

I wonder what is on their list of how Christian should behave. And I thank God that I don't have to live up to that bloody man-made list to enter into His Kingdom. Because God knows I'm not perfect, in fact there are so many flaws in me that God has graciously and mercifully accepted and love. But despite of all that, God still wants me to be as close to Him as possible. 

The way that I am might not be perfect in any human definition. In fact many think that I'm weird, lack of social skills and all. But that's part of me. That is who I am. I might not be accepted in this world, but is ok. I live to please God and only God. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I should be full of myself and not improve. But what I'm trying to convey is that people are just too difficult to please. But God is different; He accepts and has sent the Holy Spirit to walk with me in this journey of mine. No real change can take place in me unless God decided to intervene.

And if I use men standard to judge myself, I've fallen short of the Glory of God. 

So judge me, criticize me and do whatever that you like and please. Because that's your choice and not mine. Is out of my control, and my only responsible is to respond in a way that pleases God.