“Daring greatly” by Brene Brown

When a Clinical Psychologist recommends you a book, you better be prepared for your world to wreck open. 

Hazel introduced me to this book “Daring greatly” by Brene Brown and honestly speaking, it wasn’t an easy read. Almost every sentence speaks of something that I refuse to acknowledge, or at least was trying to ignore.

I’ve also been trying to put this off, not wanting to go through the book again and deceiving myself that I actually have nothing concrete to share from this book. But as I forced myself to go through those pages again, I realised, there’s a lot in my mind.

So let’s get started.

“Connection is why we’re here. We are hard-wired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.”

I think in this context, "connection" can loosely be translated or understood as "relationship". Something that I hate and avoid the most. I always believed that if relationships is a subject, I’ll definitely fail in it. I never know how to cultivate or maintain relationships. Most of the time I feel awkward, ashamed and fearful.

“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the corner, the centre, of meaningful human experience.”

Oyan once said that I can tell easily when I’m not being myself because I am too comfortable being myself. She said that’s the reason why I get cranky and frustrated when situations demand me to pretend to be someone else. But I am at this very awkward position where I want to be myself and show the world who I really am but yet at the same time also very afraid that I am not good enough, or even perfect enough because so many people have commented on my behaviour and my actions just because mine are different and so much so it hit my core and fear took over. I choose to be aside instead of being a part.

“Wholeheartedness, but at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness: facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, knowing that I am enough.”

Because I took those reactions as an evaluation of my value as a human, I dare not risks and played it safe. If no one knows me truly, they couldn’t evaluate me. But that is not how we live life. I know I shouldn’t be reminiscing the past, but I’ve experienced the true freedom of being myself, living wholeheartedly without hanging my value on people’s opinion when I was still working in an NGO. I had that courage to be vulnerable and to be seen as who I am because I didn’t give a damn about what other thinks about me. Even they disapprove of me or disagree with me, I know my value and I knew I was enough. I wasn’t afraid to be seen in my nakedness and imperfection. I had a taste of what it is like to live wholeheartedly.

“Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feeling. To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness. To foreclose on our emotion life out of a fear that the cost will be to high is to walk away from the very things that gives purpose and meaning to living.”

One of my favourite words is "paradox". Because I believe this word describes perfectly about life. We are so afraid of getting hurt by being out there as ourselves and get “killed” so we hide thinking that it will keep us alive. But ironically the act of trying to save ourselves is what truly killing us inside.

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

After reading the book, I couldn’t help but wondered if our society today have replaced this sort of courage with adventures such as sky-diving and etc. The pure thrill of being afraid and conquering our own fear of jumping out of a plane makes us so alive. And I wonder if we are able to be vulnerable and let ourselves be seen, do we still need those adventures just to feel alive? 

“Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen.”

This is one prayer I’ll pray every day for the rest of my life.

To be continued...

The Roseto Effect

I was doing some little research for my boss this week on The Roseto Effect and I personally find it super interesting as well!

So basically, The Roseto effect is named after the town Roseto, Pennsylvania. A doctor, Dr. Steve Wolf went there and realize that the rate of heart diseases of that town was 50% lower and he decided to find out why.

So they collected the data they needed and begun their research. At first, they thought it was their diet that makes the difference but as they dug deeper, they found out that these Rosetans have a very unhealthy lifestyle! Totally the opposite of what we usually read health experts. They smoke, drink a little too much wine and they eat a lot of fats! They break every rule in the rule book but still live longer than others.

Dr. Steve Wolf even compared Roseto data with other neighboring township with the idea that it may be the natural resources such as water and soil that make this significant reduce of heart diseases. But the result turned out negative.

Amazing isn’t?

What they finally concluded was this, the Rosetans are nurtured by themselves. In other words, the people are nurtured by people. 

The Rosetans have a culture and environment that is no longer common nowadays. They are very close as a community. Meals are shared, people are helping each other and they know each other as well. Not only that, each household lived 3 generations! The older generation is not regarded as irrelevant but was appreciated for their wisdom and age.

It was said that because of the close relationship and community that they have, it leaves no room for individual to be overwhelmed by everyday problem by themselves. Instead, the support of a group of people reduces that stress which is often the number one cause of heart diseases.

One thing I like the most about The Rosetans is this, they do not flash wealth! And I thought this was amazing! They do not know who is wealthier than the other because everyone’s houses and cars are about the same. There isn’t any pressure or stress because of comparison. I can’t help but wondered if social media had led us to compare with others when everyone is flashing what they have on the internet. 

Back to The Roseto effect, when they were conducting this research back in the late 1960s, they predicted that this phenomenon will not last any longer because the younger generation is not contented with the tradition uphold. Soon enough, people started building bigger houses and fencing it up, have big cars and the pursuit of wealth took over. The bond between the Rosetans started to break and lo and behold, their rate of heart diseases soar up.

WOW! Isn’t amazing to see such a direct relationship between our physical health with our mental health that is highly depended on our relationships and community. 

I always call myself a loner because I really enjoy being alone. But looking at this, makes me think twice whether it is necessary for me to make an effort to make a difference in my social life. I think, not only I should be more friendly and open up my comfort zone, I also need to be super selective of the people I hang out with. If I hang out with people that keep comparing me with others than it wouldn’t be helpful kan? 

I found a quote by Edward Gibbon, which I really really love!

”In the end, more than they wanted freedom, they wanted security. They wanted a comfortable life; and, in their quest for it all, security, comfort, freedom, they lost it all. When what the Athenians wanted finally was not to give to society but for society to give to them; when the freedom they wished for most was the freedom from responsibility, then Athenians ceased to be free." 

I really love what I’m doing now! To read on stuff like this and also doing it with people who are of the right influence! 

First week of 2017 had been overwhelmingly gracious to me! :)

4/1/2017 6:04 PM.

My boss just left the office not long ago and I’m now sitting on the couch alone.

In front of me is a wooden coffee table with a little plant on top of it among some other random stuff like brick case, candle, books and etc. The mix of brown and gray carpet makes me feel a little uncomfortable to step on it. Its softness should be exclusive for barefoot only.

A little further away from the coffee table is my boss’s table. He sits on the left side of the table. With his back facing a huge painting split into 4. Normally I’ll sit right opposite him, but I shifted my butt away because I needed to use the power source near the couch.

2nd day of work. I feel a little better. Felt like I contributed a little more and less of a disturbance. At least, today I learned how to use the office scanner and how to correctly spell calendar.

It’s good to have a reason to wake up in the morning and have something to look forward to. :)

2017 have been good to me so far. Thank you!

2017 New Year Resolutions

They say when you can’t stop dreaming about something, you’re too stressed or too obsessed with it. 

When I was tidying up my drawers yesterday, I realized I’ve been having the same New Year’s resolutions for the past 7 to 8 years. I also realized what stopped me from realizing these resolutions is none other than, WORRY.

I always worry about not having enough, not getting as much as others, worry about the future and then I will sidetrack to some other things so that I can feel more secure and safe.

This year, after 7 freaking years, I’m back to this cycle again. Can you imagine if I did not sidetrack? I might not be amazingly and awesomely good, but at least I’ll know and move on.

But now, it still itches my heart when I think about it!

So this coming year, I will TRUST GOD a little bit more, a little longer and not freak out so quickly. Dreams come to pass over a period of time and not overnight! :)

Merry Christmas 2016!

We were driving back from our annual Christmas Eve countdown service from my church. My sister was behind the wheels and my parents were sitting behind me talking about the Christmas Eve dinner we had at my uncle’s before service.

The roads were clear and there isn’t much traffic. As I gazed out the window, I couldn’t help but reflect on my life that seems to work itself backward.

At this time last year, I have a job in a bank preparing for nationwide Chinese New Year annual dinners. At this time last year, I do not need to worry about income and tighten my wallet on Christmas presents. Have a year passed and I’m now back to the beginning?

I was then reminded of a conversation that happened last year the day before Christmas Eve. My parents were planning where to go on Christmas Eve and my mom wanted to go to our church Christmas Eve countdown service. But I wasn’t interested at all. I told them to go ahead without me even though at the end, I went with them, unwillingly.

But this year, I was eager to go church. I want to celebrate Jesus and for all the things He did for me this year. I couldn't stop being grateful for the protection He had placed in my life. Who knows how different life would be if He didn't.

Ya, it does look like I didn’t advance at all on the surface. But my heart feels a little more secure as I’m back to His heart a little closer.

Merry Christmas every one! :)

Embarking to become more vulnerable

If you follow my previous weekly challenge (which I stopped after 3 weeks! =.=) My next challenge was to create a draw a story video!

I was struggling to create this video because I have no idea what sort of videos I should do and what story I should draw.

So I was driving and talking to God about it and I have a very strong impression in my heart to draw about this story where I learned what it meant to be vulnerable.

Hope you guys like this video and do stay tuned for my next challenge!

I'm pretty excited actually, because I don't remember what I've wrote down in those little piece of paper!

Thanks penguins! For ruining love for me!

A few weeks ago, I watched a video about a penguin who found his wife having an affair with another male penguin when he came back from the sea.

It was a bloody scene, which I couldn’t make myself watch till the end.

But that video was not the worst part of the story.

My faith in true love was crushed. And that’s the worst part.

Penguins were the symbol of true love. They only have one mate in their entire life.

And if penguins can have affairs, what’s more, human being.

I totally lost faith in true love.

But joke aside, relationships has never been an easy topic for me.

I always say that it is pretty scary to be in a relationship. 
Because to me, relationships are built on honesty and vulnerability. 

Being open to someone else is same as giving them an access card to my life, or worst still, my heart.

And I have no control what the other party will do, and that places me in a position of greater vulnerability and uncertainty.

It’s really scary.

Someone asked me who would I save if my best friend and my boyfriend were trapped in a fire and I could only save one of them.

I looked into her eyes and told her it will not be a tough decision for me, because to me, in order to be my boyfriend, that person need to first be my best friend. 

And naively I thought this is the way is supposed to be. 

Shouldn’t our life partner be the one who we can talk about every single thing without fear?

“Cons, a lot of things are supposed to be. You’re supposed to read your bible more, serve more and pray more too. But that’s life, isn’t?”

It was a revelation. Life doesn’t run according to a list of “supposed to” codes.

The struggle to find a soul mate does not only stop at finding a person who you can really click with but also have the same beliefs as you.

So what, if we can both be truthful, honest and vulnerable in a relationship? So what, if we indeed help each other through challenges and seen each other grow a little better? So what?

If one does not believe that best friend should be their life partner, that relationship no matter how compatible it feels, it just won’t work.

Of course, I don’t imagine it as a perfect journey. I’m not that naive. 

I just believe that since spouses are meant to be a life partner and grow old and mature together, isn’t that something that can only be achieved if we are truthful and honest and are willing to be vulnerable to each other?

It won’t be easy.

I am clear of that. 

But reacting towards other’s vulnerability from my own vulnerability is something I need to learn as a person as well. 

And that can only be achieved if both are willing to take the risk.

It’s hard work. It’s a commitment. It’s a risk.

It’s too scary. Better stay single.

“How would you know? That you’re not the one who will have an affair.”

Another revelation.

He’s taking the risk as well.

It’s a fair game.

And like any other sports, when one is no longer committed, it's game over, regardless whether you’re prepared for it or not.

As much as you think you’re taking the risk, so is he.

As much as you have doubt if you can stay committed, so is he.

But it’s a fair game and two can play that game.

The best shortcut is the long way: work hard.

The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch is a book given/lend to me by my comrade.

Not very sure if this book is mine or not so I didn’t crazily highlight the contents of the book like I usually do but I did jot down bits and pieces from the book.

But this time, I have forgotten to write down the page number. ><  

I believe this is the consequences of not doing this for a very long time.

Anyway, here goes nothing.

- - - - -

When you’re screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they’ve given up on you.

Have something to bring to the table, because that will make you more welcome.

I don’t believe in the no-win situation.

The brick walls are there for a reason. They’re not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.

The brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop other people.

It’s easy to look smart when you’re parroting smart people.

Sometimes the most impenetrable brick walls are made of flesh.

Let’s saddle up and ride.

Time must be explicitly managed, like money.

You can only change your plan, but only if you have one.

Ask yourself: are you spending your time on the right things?

Develop a good filing system.

Inspiring others is doing good as well.

Somehow, with the passage of time, and the deadliness that life imposes, surrendering become the right thing to do.

Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.

Treat disease, not the symptoms.

Don’t obsess over what other people think.

Almost everybody has a good side. Just keep waiting. It’ll come out.

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.

Whether you think you can or not, you’re right.

It’s not how hard you hit. It’s how hard you get hit and keep moving forward.

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you want. And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer.

The best shortcut is the long way: work hard.

Go out and do for others what somebody did for you.

Tell the truth all the time.

Try it anyway, you never know.

I want you to become what you want to become.

If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you.

- - - - -

Gosh! I just realize it’s a pretty huge chunk that I got out from the book. But I like how it tells different stories of his life to convey different messages.

Though this book is filled with nuggets, but there’s one particular takeaway that really stuck in my mind.

Certain behavior/ attitude is not morally unacceptable, but it is socially unacceptable.

Okay. That's not the exact word used in the book, but that's how I interpreted it. 

And somehow it really stuck in my mind as I believe I fall under the socially unacceptable group. 

I had a conversation with my friend recently and he told me a mutual friend of ours mentioned that it is more important to know how to act in front of our boss than excel in our work.

And he is doing pretty well (in a way).

I put more effort in my work than trying to please my boss. 

And sadly, behaving as such did not really work out for me. 

I was pretty sad about it, believing that there's something wrong with me and I should start acting in a way that pleases other people so that I too can not only survive but thrive.

But thank God for that friend of mine and my sis who talk me out of it.  

I like to be an actor, but I don't want to be an imposter. :)

Anastasia

“I believe he believed that he wasn’t good enough.”

- - -

Timothy Loo, died of suicide at age 32.

It was September 16, 2012, 2 am. Jessica just came back from another event organised by her company. As a PR Manager, she was required to attend events as such every other day. It was normal for her to reach home late at night. She would have found her husband in bed by now and she will wash up herself before snuggling next to him.

She went into her room, expecting to find a sound asleep husband but what she saw was her husband’s body.

Pills were all over the floor, and their silk white bedsheets were dyed with her husband’s blood. 

Jessica ran towards her husband and tried to wake him up but there was no respond from him. She reached for her phone and dialled 911. She put her ear to his chest, praying to hear a sound of a heartbeat, but there was none. 

When the ambulance finally arrived, they found her sitting next to him, holding his hands, crying.

Timothy Loo, died of suicide at age 32.

- - -

If I am lost for a day try to find me

Anastasia was working on some paperwork when her phone rang. She reached towards it and saw an unfamiliar number displaying on her phone.

“Not again” she sighed, thinking it was another telemarketing phone call that she’s been getting recently. 

“Hello, is this Anastasia Tay?” it was a man’s voice.

“Yes. I am” She said while thinking what excuse she’s going to use to get off from this call.

“Hi. I’m Jeff. Timothy’s friend.” He sounded a little sad.

“Oh! Hi, Jeff.” She remembered Timothy mentioned about Jeff a few times.

Timothy knew Jeff in college and they’ve been best buddy ever since. Timothy told her that Jeff was his best friend and he would tell him anything that was in his mind. Jeff was also Timothy’s best men. She knew it from the photos on Facebook as she didn’t attend the wedding due to work. She was sent over to Finland for 6 months to complete a project.

“Is there anything wrong?” Anastasia was worried as Jeff would never ever call her.

“Timothy is dead.” Jeff finally found the courage to break the news.

“What happened?” she shouted over the phone.

“He killed himself.”

“… … …”

“Tomorrow will be the funeral. We’re having the wake today only.” Jeff continued.

“Ok.” And she hangs up.

Timothy Loo, age 30, was Anastasia best friend. Not many in the world know about their friendship because they kept it low. Not because they are guilty of any sin that the church will definitely condemn, but they were just too close for other to misunderstand. 

Of course, Anastasia loved him. She loved him in a way that she never loved anyone else. But it wasn’t a love that she will risk his marriage. She just cared about him a lot. 

This feeling was mutual for Timothy as well. When he first met Anastasia, he thought she’ll be like any other girl that he known. But she wasn’t. 

“She brought out the storm in people, because she knew wherever there were dark skies and wild winds, lied a truth, a truth that describes such love one can leave behind the moment they accept all the pain they have lived. And that is all she ever wanted. For everyone around her to embrace their storms and make them fall in love with their own violent winds.” - R.M. Drake 

He saw this and thought to himself that this described her the best.

He was OKAY with his life before meeting her. Plans to get married and settle down with his now wife were all well planned. But when she came into his life, things started to crumble down. He wasn’t as okay as he thought he was. He was nowhere near okay. He was acting out a life that he didn’t even enjoy. She broke down his walls and came into his heart, making him realise that deep down he was just empty and broken.

They’ve shared secrets that no one else knew about. He shared his darkest and deepest shame and she always told him the truth that he refused to acknowledge. In return, he gave her the courage to pursue her dreams, to be a teacher and impact lives for eternity.

- - -

It was 8 in the morning.

Anastasia slipped into her little black dress, put on a little makeup, wore her sneakers, took a deep breath and walked out of her apartment.

There were a lot of people in the funeral. Some familiar faces that she recognise but most were strangers to her.

She saw his wife crying, bursting out in tears, still wondering why her husband choose to end his life like that.

Jessica thought they were doing fine. Timothy was a successful business owner and Jessica was a shining diamond in her field as well.

They were the ones that others looked up to, but now all have become dust.

- - -

Anastasia stood across the funeral, she remembered their last conversation and she walked away. 

Watercolor wash background with KOI Coloring Brush Pen

My dear friend Oyan Lok got me the amazing 24-piece KOI Coloring Brush Pen Set for my birthday earlier this year.

I was super tempted to get it myself when I first saw it. 

But due to budget constraint, I didn't.

So when I opened up my present and saw the Coloring Brush Pen Set, I was super duper touched lar!

Should have recorded down my unwrapping process, cause that girl wrapped it with tons of layers of newspaper!

And of course, it had other stuff in it as well.

I've been playing with it for a while already.

Most of the time, I use water brush together with the coloring brush pens.

I traveled to Thailand with it as well, because is more convenient compared to bringing my entire watercolor set which I did when I went to the Philippines.

Because I use it with water brushes, is fairly difficult to control the amount of water that will be disbursed by the water brush, thus the color kept getting out of line.

Despite that, I really like the wash of it.

I like how it looks very water color although is not our usual watercolor. 

So I thought, it'll make very pretty watercolor wash background and it really does!

Here's how I painted watercolor wash background with my KOI Coloring Brish Pen Set together with my water brush.

When will we learn?

Is this the smell of war?

Smoke was everywhere and for some unknown reasons every visible surface were covered by sand.

She looked around her. There were around 20 of them cramping in that tiny room with their belongings.

Some brought with them everything they could carry, some just brought with them necessities and some came with nothing.

She wasn’t among strangers. Somehow fate brought them together and she was among family and friends.

A war was declared against her country. They tried to flee the country but it was too late.

Some of her friends were crazy enough to return to their homeland just so that they could be with family.

Supplies, food, and water were shared freely.

Money has lost its value and everyone was same, no richer nor poorer.

“Her flight was attacked!” someone came shouting.

One of her friends was on that flight. A Loud cry was heard as the family members cried out in unbelief.

It took her by surprise. She looked at them, not knowing what to do, she ran out from the room.

She went to the stairway, it was dark and dusty. But it was quiet and that’s what she needed.

Shivering, she took out her phone, found his number and dialed.

“Hello.” She said the moment he picked up the call.

“Anything? I’m sleeping.” He murmured.

“I’m…” She tried to find words that describe her feelings but she found none.

“I’m really tired.” He said.

“…” She was speechless.

“We talk another time okay?” And he hung up the phone.

Disappointed but expected.

She didn’t shed a tear. 

She stood up and walked back to the room.

On her way back, she heard a loud noise.

BOOM

Out of the sudden, they were attacked.

She followed the crowd and ran out of the building.

BOOM

Right in front of her, buildings were crashing down, cars were on fire and people were running all over the place.

She looked at what was happening, trying to comprehend, trying to understand. 

She took a deep breath.

“No turning back.” She whispered and she kept running.

.

.

.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

In the midst of fallen building and crushed walls, her phone rang.

On the other side was him who was overseas and ignorant of what was happening in his homeland.

“She’ll call back soon.” He murmured.

But she never did and he only knew why when he read the news.

When will we learn? When will we learn that some goodbyes are forever, unintentionally?

Compassion

When I was jogging yesterday, I was reminded of the bible story where Jesus said 

“Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven - as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.” - Luke 7:47 (NIV)

I never really understood this verse. 

“Whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”

“Her many sins have been forgiven - as her great love has shown.”

It only hit me yesterday that this verse is talking about compassion.

Is about knowing how to walk in other’s shoes.

It is about being able to image ourselves in their position instead of our own and try to understand how they feel.

Compassion.

If we’ve never been through rejection, we will never understand how it feels like to be rejected.

If we’ve never been through sarcasm, we will never understand how bad it hurts.

If we’ve never been through heartbreaks, we will never understand how painful it feels.

Compassion.

When I see people fighting for their right, I have compassion for them. Because I know how it feels like to have the world against who you are and what you believe.

When I see people being judged and condemned for their thoughts, ideas or even theology, I have compassion for them. Because I too know what is like to be judged and condemned just because I think a little different from the mainstream.

Compassion.

If I’ve not been through all that myself, I would not understand and sadly, I will join in by judging and condemning them for being different.

But because I know I am different and I hope people will accept my quirkiness, I too know how to accept our indifference where they do not accept my differences.

I don’t know if this makes any sense or not. But here’s my story.

Once upon a time, I was this girl burning and on fire for God. God was shaping my thinking and ideas about Him and it was nothing but a roller coaster ride. 

God kept reminding and reinforcing the idea that with Him is all about relationships. And when it comes to relationships, it is not rigid, because it is relationships.

So when people around me was debating whether or not we can go to heaven, whether or not 40 days fast must be 40 days fast, I was eager, super duper eager to tell them what’s my view and shove it down their throat. But God stopped me. If I think I know Him entirely, then who is God? Him or me?

Relationships. It is different for everyone of us. The way God relates to me is different from the way He relates to others. So if something is true for me, it might not be true to others. Therefore, I listen.

And the worst part is? Whenever I share my thoughts, people thinks that I am crazy. They looked at me as if I’m a weirdo and question me.

Through that, I learned to accept the fact that when I am different and hope that others can accept my differences, I too need to accept that they are different from me and they couldn’t accept my quirkiness. 

Because I want, so I know, thus I do.

I don’t go judging and commenting about others just because they do not think the same as I because, to them, I am the one who is having difference thoughts and I am the weird one.

Because I know how it feels like to be the weird one, therefore, I do not what to let others have the same feeling.

Compassion.

Because I’ve been the recipient of condemnation and judgement, I know not to do it even to those who did it to me.

Compassion.

She's magic and you knew it

"What makes her different?" 

He wondered.

He vividly recalled the first time he saw her.

She was walking around in the art gallery, focusing her gaze on an art piece that he love.

She caught his eyes because she was smiling all the time and that smile, is something he will not trade for the world.

At that time, he thought that's the only time he'll ever saw her.

But to his surprise, it wasn't.

It was the first day of the semester.

He looked through the list of students on the door and sighed.

Being assigned to be the class monitor is not something that he enjoyed.

"What a waste of time."

He complained as he found himself a seat and sat.

"Is this seat taken?"

He looked up and there she stood, ignorant of the fact that she just took his breath away.

It didn't felt like it but 1 year passed by like a flash of lightning.

Too fast.

Too short.

He feels uneasy as now she no longer plays a role in his life.

Buried under mountains of workloads, he wasn't sure what life is all about anymore.

Life feels busy yet empty.

"I couldn't even explain to you how good it feels to look up across the room and see you standing there."

He murmured, imagining her standing right in front of him.

4 Days 3 Nights Solo trip to Bangkok

I’m so happy that I can finally kiss "SOLO trip” goodbye  from my bucket list.

After going through a storm in the beginning of my trip due to my passport having less than 6 months validity , whatever that happened afterwards was nothing less than a miracle.

Every time the reality of me being there alone just felt unbelievable and remarkable. I’ve lost count the number of times I just stood in the middle of no-where feeling in awe that I am there.

With the transition that is happening in my career and the struggles in relationships, I needed a place to just breath. I couldn’t stand waking up every single day trying to fill the seconds with the things I think I need to do and leave my feeling and my heart untouched. I know there’s a giant in me that need to be taken down.

One of the reasons I choose to go Bangkok during the weekend is because of ECB. This is a must go place for both me and Oyan whenever we are there. The presence of God was so strong and I felt like I’m home during their praise and worship.When service ended, I went out, talked to Pastor David King and he prayed for me.

Remain in a posture which God can freely give and take away.

I kept reminding myself this. And it somehow lifted a burden up from me. 

I do not need to struggle or fake myself just because I want something to remain as it is or want it in a certain way. I should and am able to just be myself and let things run their own course. 

As long as I do my best, as long as I give it my all, whatever happens, happens and I shall have no regrets.

Putting myself out there is not easy. Because it means the possibility of being hurt again and again. But I guess such is life. To be alive is the readiness to die. If alive is what I strive for, I should then battle with death.

There was also a lot of question in my mind when I leave my beloved country. The ideal result would be me sorting out all my troubles with God in solitude and come back with a lighter heart.

But as I walk on the streets of Bangkok, surrounded by the colours and noise of the nightlife excitement, my mind was flooded with questions. As all these questions were knocking me down, the only person that came to mind was Keith. 

I need to talk to Keith.

I need to talk to Keith.

I guess, positioning myself in front of a friend and asking him questions that I normally don’t discuss with anyone is also part of the process of growing up. 

The joy of being able to go solo does not only derive from the fact that I’ve conquered my fear but also discovering myself a little more and loving myself a little better.

Next destination? New Zealand! 

I boarded a plane with a passport less than 6 months validity

As a person who swear to be a world traveller, I am not proud to share this but nonetheless this is what happened, so be it.

When I embarked on my first solo trip adventure, I never imagined that I will meet my first bump on the road the moment I stood in front of the check-in counter. The person in charged looked perplexed and he made a phone call right on of me. I didn’t know until I asked, my passport has less than 6 months validity. It was short by 5 days.

SHIT! That was my first reaction.

Is this the end of my FIRST solo trip? It’s going to be so embarrassing since I just called my parents the day before and told them not to worry about me and now I can’t board the plane just because I forgotten to check my passport’s expiry date?!

I looked at the Air Asia officer and responded by saying that I have a return ticket believing it will make some difference and they’ll let me board the plane. 

After speaking to his officer, I was told I can board the plane but he asked how on earth I planned a trip without noticing my passport’s expiration date. That’s embarrassing.

In my defence, I totally forgotten the existent of the 6 months validation rule. But then again, it’s not a valid excuse. It should have hit my mind when my boarding pass have a “Travel Documentation Verification” sign on it.

I was relieved at that moment and couldn’t stop thanking God that I passed my first “test”. So I went into the immigration hall like a movie star. Walking in-style while pulling a hand-carry luggage bag I borrowed from my sister. I walked towards the auto-gate and placed my passport there. Cool like a cucumber, I thought to myself.

“Passport Validation less than 6 months”

I wasn’t allowed to go pass it.

SHIT! That was my first reaction.

Again, is THIS the end of my first solo trip?

Keep calm Constance. Keep calm. Remember? Cool like a cucumber! 

Oh God! Help me please! I chanted as I walked out from the auto-gate, acting as if nothing had happened and walked towards the counter.

I passed my passport to the officer and tried to charm him with my smile hoping it will shade a sun-shine like beam that will cover the fact that my passport has less than 6 months validity. 

It didn’t work.

The officer looked at me and said I couldn’t pass through immigration because my passport has less than 6 months validity.

SHIT! That was my first reaction.

I panicked though I was still trying to pull of the cool as a cucumber act, I told him I have a return ticket with me and I’ll be flying back in 4 days time. Oh! And the AA check-in counter officer says that I can go.

Well done, Constance. Playing it cool by putting others in the game as well. Well done. 

I judged myself.

He looked at me, worried. And asked if I want to take the risk of being sent back by Thai Immigration and pay a sum of money for penalty or something. 

I practically wasn’t listening anymore as I just nodded my head all the way.

As long as I can pass through immigration, I thought. And I did.

In less than 5 meters from the immigration counter, I took out my phone and seek help from men’s best friend. GOOGLE.

I fed him the crucial information “Passport less than 6 months validity Bangkok” and I got mixed result.

Argh! Indecisive like a girl! So will I or will I not able to pass through Thai Immigration?

God knows! I prayed and sang the song “I surrender to Your love~ I surrender to Your love~”

For the next one hour, I didn’t went to McDonalds to have my breakfast as planned. Instead I waited faithfully in front of my gate and prayed to God for a miracle.

I wondered if I should just walk out from the airport, don’t take the risk and say good-bye to whatever adventure that’s ahead.

Finally, time to board the plane. The officer came and check our ticket and passport. He too looked perplexed.

SHIT! NOT AGAIN! Was again, my first reaction.

He took my passport and went and make a phone call. I followed him. Tired of all the drama and I did the only thing I knew. Pray.

I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for God to let me go to Bangkok and have a solo trip adventure I finally have the guts to embark. I prayed.

The officer on the other side told him it was fine for me to board the plane. 

This time, I pushed even further and asked if there’ll be any problem in Thailand immigration. He made another phone call and after informing the officer that I have a return ticket, that officer too said is okay for me to board the plane. I double confirm with him again and he assured me that his officers said it is fine as he too do not what me to fly so far just to be sent back the moment I touch down.

I felt a little bit more reassured by this kind AA officer and I boarded the plane. 

And how I did I deal with my uncertainty and anxiety? I slept.

Yup. I slept through the flight like a baby! Didn’t even wake up for anything. I just slept!

But the real and final test was not over yet. Thailand immigration has the final say whether I am allowed in their beautiful country.

As the plane touched down, I did not slow down but rushed towards the immigration counter. All I wanted was to get this over with. Whether I am allowed or not, at least I’ll know.

Now, here I am. Standing in front of the women who will determine the course of my life. 

Whether I will be make fun for the rest of my life or I will be able to shop till I drop for the next four days will be determine by this women who totally ignore the spell I tried to cast with my smile.

*Stamped stamped* She stamped my passport and placed it on the counter.

Oh my God! She stamped my passport! She STAMPED my passport! This is it! THIS IS IT!

I was overwhelmed! Overjoyed till I was speechless and couldn’t just stop smiling.

The women who had no idea what was going on, looked at me and signal me to leave her counter so that she can continue her work instead of looking at this crazy women smiling for no apparent reasons.

THANK YOU LORD! Was my first reaction.

And that, guys, was the beginning of my first solo trip adventure.

I’m really grateful for Air Asia ground staff who went the extra mile to double confirm if is okay for me to fly especially the ground staff at the boarding gate which I totally forgotten to write down his name. My bad.

Moral of this story?

Don’t be a fool like me and check your passport’s validity before you fly. As far as I know 6 months validation is ESSENTIAL.