My confession

I started my new job with a dream. A dream that I can have a fix income and a fix not-so-long working hours while still doing what I LOVE to do, e.g: blogging and drawing. But as perfect as the plan may seems, it did not worked out accordingly.

I started working in my current company a month ago. Although my working hours are shorter now, but somehow my body is constantly tired. YES! Constantly! And is not like I sleep at 3 a.m and wake up at 7 a.m.! Most of the time I sleep before 12 a.m. and wakes up around 7:30 a.m but my body is still tired. I tried setting my alarm to ring for 4-6 times from 5:30 a.m. till 7 a.m. and I still can't wake up until my sister wakes me up!

Honestly speaking, I hate myself for this. And when I'm not doing what I planned to do, I forget why I choose this job and I eventually lost my direction in life. And when that happens, I struggle with my own identity. >< Things got worst when I'm surrounded with younger people who are on fire for God and passionate for life. I looked at myself, I feel super useless and I become emo.  And I became like a zombie.

But I thank God for His plan. I think God knew this was coming and He prepared for me my sister, a book and a role model that helped me through. 

My sister reminded me why I choose this path.

The book that was on my table for weeks suddenly became appealing to me and the content speaks into my heart at the right timing.

And a role model that I admire. Who is living her dreams with bravery, courage and love. She inspires me.

I said this before, but now I add-on to it.

If man did not plan it, GOD did. And if man did plan it, it is God inspired.

So I thank God with all my heart and soul. But that's not enough. Because the one that should put in effort is me. No matter how badly God wants me to be successful and live out my dream and His destiny for me (which He does), I have to do something before anything can happen.

I got to stop watching meaningless shows with my sister. Stop wasting time watching useless youtube videos and playing iPhone games. Stop hitting snooze when I should get up and have my daily manna (the Word of God). Stop PROCRASTINATING!

And start taking time to read more, write more, draw more and spend more time with God.

But who am I fooling other than myself? I lost that fire to snatch back what the devil had stolen from me. I'm so used to the life right now, is just good enough for me already. My fear had come to past. I lost that fire, that passion and settled for good enough. 

I always thought being comfortable with good enough is scary. But now I realize that knowing where you want to go but too lazy to move is even more scarier! The harsh reality of life have taken over me.

The answer to why I've become like this hits me today. Because I want it now and I want it for myself. God in His almighty power can give it to me instantly, but this is not how He rolls. He is more interested in my character than what I want. And as fierce as He can be, He gently reminds me that "Is not about you."

So now, I shall push myself to do and enjoy what I love to do with the hope that it will be a blessing to someone. Even that person might be myself.

I don't want just slide through my life with a good enough career and a daily routine of cooking dinner or making fruit juice.

Because I want something more in life, a life that is more meaningful, a life that is a blessing to others and a life that is a testimony of God's loves and a reflection of God's glory.

I want MORE!

Love,

Constance