Constance with God # 10: everything is NOT going to be alright

The past week had been a turmoil to me.

Though I’ve decided to take up the new challenge and leave my comfort zone, I’m still pretty terrified with the decision I’ve made.

I know I know, God’s will is not about what, where and when cause all these are pretty much temporary compared to how, why and who. 

But nonetheless is till very scary to go into something new and start afresh.

And the worst part of this whole process is my freaking good memories that keep reminding why I decided to stay previously.

So I struggle, again and again.

Trying to convince myself that in everything that I do, my heart matters the most.

And is not like God walk into my bedroom and tell me that He wants me to do some other things.

So I guess this decision should be fine right?

But yeah, is still pretty scary.

So I asked God if everything going to be alright?

And you know what He said?!!!!

Normal human being would want “yes” for a question like this.

And I am a normal human being.

But God’s ways are always higher than mine and guess what? 

He said No.

To be exact, He said

No (everything is not going to be alright), but I’ll be with you.

*heart melted*

Argh God~

You say until like this already, what else can I say right?

But then, I’m still pretty freak out about the whole thing.

Mainly because there’s still many things need to settle and I’ve been dragging it.

The more time I let myself procrastinate, the more scary it seems.

But God is still good and He still speaks.

He told me 2 things.

1. The reason I’m so afraid is because I’m fearful of commitment.

Future is scary because no one knows what will happen.

With something tying me down, it feels like I’m losing a lot.

But I guess, only God knows what will happen and all things will eventually work out because whatever happens, I will have Him.

2. I need to learn to surrender things into His hands and just do what I can.

Life is complex because people are involved in the picture.

We cannot foresee what others will do and react, therefore it can be so scary sometimes.

But that’s the beauty of every relationship, is full of surprises.

Well, some are good surprises and others are just surprises that we wish to avoid.

Sometimes we just need to do what we need to do regardless of how other react to us.

Remember, always set goals which are within my own control and not depended on others.

Future, bring it on!

Constance with God #9: your heart is for My heart.

Sometimes is just really amazing how God can bring you down and up within 24 hours.

I was feeling very down at the end of yesterday.

It wasn't about my own performance, because what is done is done.
And I didn't really care anymore.

But after having 2 different conversation with 2 groups of people, I couldn't help but to reflect on myself.

I wonder if I’m jumping into another hole like I did during my University days.

I wonder if I will regret the decision I made now like I regret the one I’ve made 9 years ago.

I have a clear answer on where I want to be in the next 5 years.

I want to be the voice of those who are voiceless.

I want to be a person that can help others with the experiences I have.

I want to share about God to different group of people.

That’s all I want, for His Kingdom.

But I don’t know how to go about, I don't know how to reach to the place where I want to be.

And I was afraid that I will jump into another cycle and then end up not accomplishing anything remotely near to my dream.

And if I don’t achieve that, if I don’t live for that, what’s the point of my existent?

Will then my life be pointless at the end of the day?

I couldn't figure this out and I was having a very severe headache.

But I went to Cell Group anyway.

Shirley shared a short devotion and we started worship.

Needless to say, I felt the strong presence of God the second the guitarist started playing.

I started crying and I didn’t sang a word for the entire worship song.

God was speaking to me.

He told me that the reason I find it so hard to fight for my dream or for other things is because my heart is always for Him and is completely for Him. 

And that’s all He want, my heart for Him.

He asked me to surrender my dreams and goal and vision to Him but I struggled and I asked God, without those then what’s this life for?

He told me, my life is for Him to worship Him, to be with Him.

That’s what I’m for, for Him.

And I say what about my life and family, what about reality?

I still need to live, I still need to survive, I still need to be like normal human being.

He said, what’s the use of all that if the cost to those is my heart for Him.

My heart is for Him, my heart is for Him, completely for Him.

God kept telling me that my heart is for Him and I kept struggling with it.
But at the end, I surrender, there's no answer to it.

I see myself, leaving all the burden behind, running towards Him and hiding in His embrace.

I weep like a child, again.

It didn't really make sense to me because even though my heart is for Him, then how about what should I do for my life?

What about those dreams and vision that I believe is from Him?

I mean, my heart is for Him, so?

What about those things, it doesn’t fit into the picture!!!

But God, as God is amazing.
I was googling and playing around with tests for "what should I go for my life" and "God's will for my life" and I stumbled upon this video.

“The moment you turn to God and seek His heart to know His ways, you are in the centre of His will.” - Pastor Steven Furtick.

And all of the sudden, it all make sense.

My heart has been for His heart, and I have been in His will all this while.

To struggle by myself so that I can achieve my dream and “live the life He wants me to live” is not in anyway His will.

My heart is for His heart, that’s enough.

Constance who?

Constance with God #8 : Sweep me off my feet again

The hall seems a little empty without all the chairs around.

The band was in the middle of the hall and not on the stage.

It felt like one of the Strictly Students Service.

There were tables with papers and crayons at the side of the hall, and 2 big drawing stand just next to the band.

It felt like Bethel worship night.

I knew what was going on, Shirley and David want all of us to use our gifts.

If you see a painting, you paint.

If you see a drawing, you draw.

If you see a poem or you have a word, you write it down.

It was going to be a time of Praise and Worship like never before.

I struggle with the setting.

Is not something I’m used to.

So instead of mingling around before all it started, I went pass everyone walked to the back and talked to God.

Our conversation was something like this.

God: Why are you hiding here?

Me: I don’t know, I’m not use to it… I’m scared.

God: But is going to be fun, you know right?

Me: I know… But…

God: For me okay? Don’t worry. I’m here with you.

So I walked down to look at what was prepared.

Before I knew it, Prayer Meeting was about to start and Shirley asked us to hug one another.

I quickly turn my way around, hugged Kevin, Sylas and then run towards Jan so that I can avoid hugging other people.

Jan had a good laugh at me when she knew why I did that.

Then, the Prayer Meeting begins.

I totally forgotten what song we sang yesterday.

I was jumping, clapping and worshipping God during the first 2 songs like normal.

And when the band usher us into the 3rd song, I couldn’t stand it anymore and I wanted to kneel down.

I always struggle with God before I kneel down.

I will tell Him things like “ok, after this.” or “ok, after they start singing.”

But this time I totally lost that battle, I told Him I would kneel down once they start singing, but His presence was so strong I couldn’t hold it anymore and I kneel down crying.

I went from my knees on the floor to my face on the floor.

The presence of God was so strong, I can’t even sing a single word.

God was amazing, He just kept pouring more and more of His presence that I couldn’t handle.

At one point, I stood up thinking that I will worship standing.

But God wasn’t done with me yet, He brought me down again with His presence.

This time, I squad down and tears started pouring down.

My mind was still pretty alert and I was just telling God how much I need Him.

God, I am nothing without You. 

God I need more of you. 

I’m not going to stand until I have more of you. 

Lord, please don’t ever leave me because I can’t live without you.

Jesus!! Jesus!! Jesus!!

But God wanted me to be quiet for a moment.

So that He can speak to me for a while.

Is time to release.

I am not done with you yet.

I finally got hold of myself, and an image came to mind.

So I went to one of the table and drew it out with crayons and I wrote a whole chunk of words behind it.

While doing this, God is still messing with me with His presence.

I end up kneeling down and crying while drawing!

It was AWESOME!

I went to the back with my heart overflowing with joy and I started singing and smiling.

In the beginning of the Prayer Meeting, I felt God wanted me to pray for 2 specific people.

I prayed for one while the praise and worship was going on and another when Shirley asked us to pray for one another.

Someone asked me before why am I not afraid when I pray for people.

Am I not afraid that I will pray wrongly or inaccurately?

Actually, I don’t really care! 

hahahaha!

Okay.

Let me see how to explain this nicer.

At the end of the day, the words I prayed over them is word of life and not curse.

So there’s really nothing to be afraid of.

If is not accurate, then I’ll try again next time.

Is really not a big deal.

And I believe, even if I’ve prayed wrongly it doesn't really matters.

Because my prayer is not greater than God.

So whatever happens, God still have the final say.

So why worry?

Most importantly

I would risk being “wrong” rather than not pleasing God.

Sorry, I digress.

At the end of the prayer meeting, I was really overflowing with joy.

Ready to leave and maybe grab a burger before heading home, I bumped into different people and started talking to them.

I totally forgotten the sequence of all these moments but it doesn’t really matters la!

I was fooling around with Kevin, Melissa and Pearl.

Which I totally enjoyed!

Went and took my drawing.

Showed it to a few person and end up giving it to Pearl.

She said I draw like a little kid because I act like a little kid.

LOL. Make sense yo!

Kelvin saw me with Hazel and he told me that he got something to tell me.

I was like, what o? Don’t scare me le!

He said he felt like I had experiences and I’ve been very comfortable with where I am right now, is time to step out so that people around me can experience what I’ve experienced.

When Hazel heard this, she was like “ah! the same word again!”

I was still very confuse.

The stepping out part is pretty familiar.

I think Hazel prayed this for me before too.

Though is the same word again, but I never knew which area of my life God was speaking about.

At first, the word 'experience' sounds very negative to me. 

Like bad experiences in life.

But when he said that so that people around me can experience what I’ve experienced, I know what he meant.

So I asked Kelvin whether is the one that we talked about.

And after a while he said it makes sense.

But I wasn’t ready to do anything about it yet.

I’m still waiting for the “special moment” from God. LOL.

Then I talked to Hazel about this.

I also told her God had been reminding me about what she prayed for me earlier this year.

And she told me to talk to Shirley.

Reluctantly I did.

Know this, I am super comfortable with where I am right now.

And for me to step out again, is not easy.

Is actually pretty scary for me.

And is not like He told me specifically.

But I guess, at the end of the day, I just need to step out and take a step of faith.

*phew*

I finally left the hall after several attempts and I did get my burger on the way home!

It was really an amazing night.

And I am still overflowing with Joy now.

Thank you Jesus!

Constance with God #7

“You have gone through experiences in life, ye you are determined to keep your heart pure.”

The presence of God was very strong when she prayed for me.

Both of us had tears in our eyes.

But when Hazel said that I’ve kept my heart pure despite the experiences I’ve been through.
I had my doubt.

I mean, I’m only human, how pure can I keep my heart?

Sometimes I get angry easily.

Sometimes I say nasty things.

Sometimes I disobey God.

So how pure is my heart I wonder.

And for a period of time, because of what she prayed over me, I try my very best to stay “pure”.

It was exhausting!

Needless to say, I failed and I gave up.

It was only until few days ago God spoke to me in the shower.

He said I kept my heart pure by not letting anything stand between us.

I was shock.

He said, in the eyes of human I might not be pure, perfect, holy or righteous.

But my constant return to Him is pure heart to Him.

Because by doing so, I’ve acknowledged that sin had no power over me.

I am designed to have an intimate relationship with God and through the blood of Christ I can do so.

Now, don’t take this to the extreme and say that I can sin whenever I want because God’s grace is always available to me.

NO. I don't mean that.

Because I love God, I don’t intentionally do things that will hurt His heart.

But because I am still human, I fall once in a while.

But not letting things be between us is the essence of it.

No matter what, I know I can run back to Him and He will accept me.

Yes, I am thick face like that!

Constance with God: In the beginning

I felt compelled to write this, so that I can remember all that had happened and one day my generations to come will know that God is super real in my life.

I’m born in a half Christian family. 

By half I mean my mom is a Christian and my dad wasn’t.

But my dad is awesome that he don’t stop us to church and stuff.

He even paid for my bible school fees and supported me.

And I think he reflect a lot of Abba’s love to me and he don’t even notice! *teehee*

Since young, my mom send us to Sunday school.

My memory of Sunday school consist of the drama of the prodigal son, flower making for Mother’s day, searching for Easter egg in the play ground, a big kor kor who never failed to fetch us every Sunday and the competitive between us girls. *roll eyes*

My point is, God was a very distant God to me.

I think at that point of my life, God was a superior being that can make exams easier and time passed by a little quicker during the piano classes that I dragged myself to.

After that we stopped going to church because weekends were the days filled with tuition and piano lessons.


It wasn’t until I’m 15 that I encounter God again.

That year was the year my mom diagnosed with cancer.

I didn’t really know what was happening except that my mom was sick.

People around us started to come to our place and prayed for us.

I remember there was this one time when my mom’s church pastor prayed for us, I can’t stop crying until the mucus from my nose is long enough to touch the floor! *disgusting*

That was also the year my grandmother passed away.

Swept by 2 tragedies, my dad was still very strong in front of us.

We went back to Malacca to attend the funeral, I remember my Aunty Hellen prayed for us as well and I cried too.

One thing my mom said during that period of her life changed me.

She said “If I really die, I’ll regret not bringing you guys up spiritually strong.”

I don’t remember crying in front of her, but the fact that she’ll regret that if she dies it must have mean a lot to her.

So after a few years when I went to college in Malacca, I attended a service with another Aunt of mine.

But I wasn’t that interested with church or to know them better, I just couldn’t wait till service is over so I can go steamboat with my sister’s friend.

But God, never gave up on me.

I imagine Him looking over from heaven and smile at me knowing His plan of His to bring me back to Him.

The year was 2008 and I moved to Cyberjaya to pursue my degree.

I was the only one among my friends that moved there, so I had no choice but to stay in the hostel.

The first room I got was on the first floor.

The moment I walked in there, me and my mom decided to request to change room because the room was super messy!

Then we choose another one on a higher level and guess what? My roommate, she’s a Christian.

Pei Shee is not just a Christian.

She’s a girl who just accepted Christ few months ago in City Harvest Singapore.

And lo and behold, the one who prayed for her was my cousin who was studying in Singapore!

Coincidence? I don’t think so.

So when my cousin found out that she’s my roommate, he asked her to bring me to church.

I was a bit resistant at first.

I had some heart issue that caused me want to avoid as much contact as possible from Pei Shee.

But then when I moved out, she was the one that I turned to for help.

Ironic isn't it?

So I started to attend church.

At first we attended Acts Church, then after her struggle, she decided to go to City Harvest Church and I followed her.

But that year was also the year when temptation knocked on my door.

I wasn’t interested in church anymore and the people I was close with in church left church (due to studies) one by one.

In Christian world’s term, I backslided.

I remember Crystal messaging me and I kept ignoring her.

I remember skipping church and cell group for invalid reasons.

I remember avoiding any contacts with people from church.

Eventually, by God’s grace I went back to church.

I went back once in a while and tried to be rooted again in cell group.

But the condemnation, rejection, guilt and judgemental was so strong that I could not handle it anymore.

There’s this one Sunday service that I will never forget.

I stood among my cell group members and it was praise and worship time.

I saw people lifting up their hands worshipping God, the worship leader singing, the lights shining.

I felt out of place.

I told God, “God, this is not a place I call home. I don’t feel belong here. This is not my home!”

I was tempted to just leave the service there and then but I stayed.

But on my way back home, I cried non-stop.

I kept telling God, that’s not my home!

It was then I decided to leave church.

Note that I wanted to leave church not God.

I wanted to go to a new church to start afresh so that I can pretend I’m not as “bad” and pretend my past doesn't exist.

I decided to leave after the dedication of our new church building.

I think about a month before the dedication service, Pastor Phil had a conference here in KL.

I don’t remember what message was shared during the conference, but I will never forget the last service of the conference.

The preacher was someone I could not recall.

He was preaching and I was offended by some of his statement.

But during the altar call, presence of God was so strong and my heart was beating very fast.

I was weeping and weeping.

My heart asked me to respond to the altar call, but my brain said no.

I wrestle with God I said “No! I will not go out! Why should I go out?! I know what they will tell me! I don’t want to be judge! I don't want to be condemned! NO!”.

And God, in His softest voice ever told me this:-

“I’m not the one rejecting you. Why are you rejecting me?”

And that was my first time hearing God’s voice so clearly.

He’s near. He’s here.

Know God and make God known

Completed my second book in the previous volume by Bill Johnson.

Book 2 - “Release the Power of Jesus”.

Our capacity to remember what God has said and done in our lives and throughout history -  the testimony - is one of the primary things that determine our success or failure sustaining a Kingdom lifestyle of power for miracles. ~ p.g. 26

Just as God’s nature is revealed in what He does, the evidence that we are being transformed into His likeness is that we reveal His nature in what we do. ~ p.g. 31

We, as sons and daughters of God, are destined to reveal our Father to the world by bearing His likeness. We do this as Christ did, by communing with the Father, the Kingdom of Heaven to earth through demonstrations of power and authority, all in the context of showing the love of God. ~ p.g. 33

Everyone desires Jesus. They just don’t know it. ~ p.g. 34

Everything God has said and done in history is your eternal possession, and that record holds all the resources you need to be transformed into the image of Christ and become a transformer through demonstrating His good works. ~ p.g. 35

Power is a huge part of your inheritance, but the way to walk in power cannot be separated from personally encountering the God of power. You will grow in your relationship with Him through that experience. ~ p.g.37

The more room we make for Him in our lives, the more we puts His power and revelation to work for that purpose. He is the one who reveals what the Father is doing and saying and then equips us to do and say it. ~ p.g. 38

God’s people were not to be known for the perfect law code they possessed, but by the fact that God Himself was present among them. ~ p.g. 61

Likeness and agreement are the heart of covenant. It was this perfect agreement with God that enabled Jesus to release the Spirit of God whenever He spoke. ~ pg. 71

When we declare the testimonies of the Lord, we are actually describing who He has promised to be in relationship with us; and more, we are putting a demand on Heaven for the covenant to be renewed and demonstrated in the present as it was in the past. ~ p.g. 72

The truth is that the anointing on the testimony has always been there, but our ignorance has kept us from receiving what we never perceived as available. ~ p.g. 82

There is no neutral territory in our world. Either we are forcefully and proactively pursuing the Kingdom of God, or we are, whether actively or passively, allowing the kingdom of darkness to legislate its influence by gaining a place in our hearts -  the place from which we perceive reality. ~ p.g. 85

In fact, the spiritual reality with which we commune in our hearts is precisely the power released in our declarations. For this reason, the words of our mouth and the meditations of our heart are intimately connected. ~ p.g. 86

What David discovered in studying the works of the Lord is that they have a life of their own that is unaffected by time. ~ p.g. 88

No matter how mature we become in God, the theme of our utter dependence and His perfect ability permanently runs through our lives. ~ p.g. 95

Miracles erase options for the believer. This is what the renewed mind looks like. It no longer starts with lack. ~ p.g. 102

But also we must develop a growing awareness of God’s presence among us if we are to draw from that presence and walk out our God-given assignment. Our awareness of God is what determines how we respond to Him, how we perceive reality, and how we live. It is an extremely important element required for us to be successful in following and obeying God. ~ p.g. 113

Our strength and courage to do what God has told us to do flow directly from our awareness that God is with us. ~ p.g. 114

When you walk in radical obedience, you have sustained confidence to face the difficulties of life. Radical obedience positions you for victory after victory because it preserves and expands your trust and intimacy with the God who makes you victorious, But when you’re walking in disobedience, it’s virtually impossible to muster the courage to face the battles around you. ~ p.g. 119

Radical obedience to God means refusing to compromise or redefine what He originally told us to do in order to fit within the paradigm of human possibility. ~ p.g. 120

The problem is never on God’s end. He is good, and He hasn’t changed. ~ p.g. 126

Undeveloped things in the Kingdom sill have the life of the King in them. ~ p.g. 136

Jesus taught us that it is natural for all believers to know His voice, so it is equally natural to be able to tell others what He is saying. ~ p.g. 138

The least person in the Holy Spirit-filled life has access to more in God than the greatest of all the Old Testament prophets. ~ p.g. 138

The testimony is to make us hungry for more, giving us the license to pursue supernatural breakthroughs. ~ p.g. 142

And because the testimony by its nature is something that God is ready to “do again,” we can make our decision based on His intention to repeat the miracle. ~ p.g. 154

Real wisdom is not something you can get apart from relationship with God. ~ p.g. 154

We came from joy, and we were made for joy. Any plan for life that does not involve our being perpetually joyful is in contradiction to God’s design for us. ~ p.g. 155

Our greatest responsibility is to know God and make God known. ~ p.g. 167

Our greatest treasure is God Himself. Our greatest privilege is to manifest Him. ~ p.g. 173

God will allow us to carry as much of His presence as we’re willing to jealously guard. ~ p.g. 174

The record of God’s activities among men is not to be hidden or forgotten. It must be declared to the younger generation, who must intern be trained to do the same with their own children. The chain must not be broken. It is one of increasing revelation of God’s nature and presence upon the earth.Each generation is privileged to build upon the previous one, until the manifestation of God’s nature and presence becomes more and more pronounced. ~ p.g. 177