Midnight Insanity

If people think that my decision to go Bangkok for 12 days is an easy decision, they are so freaking wrong!

Because at this very moment I still couldn’t believe that I will be flying off to Bangkok in 10 hours time and will be there for freaking 12 days WITHOUT ANY PLAN!

I must have lost my mind when I did that decision back then.

God oh God!

To say we have zero plans might be a little too exaggerated. 

We do have in mind places that we want to go and things that we want to do.

But to be filled up our 12 days there seems to be impossible.

Seriously, I need to go back in time, find that girl that made this decision and let her shout at me so that I can get some of her courage and faith.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Dream Trip to Macau

If you’re a Hong Kong drama fans like me, the impression that you have on Macau might remain as the city of gamble. 

There’s always this one person in the family that cross the sea to Macau and gamble.

But Macau has developed a lot since the good old days! XD

I’m not very confident with my knowledge about Macau, therefore I did some research and found out that Macau was both the first and last European colony in China!

WOW! To be the first and the last it definitely has something to offer.

Just imagine the food, architecture and the culture that birth out of this history.

1. The food.

When I think of food in Macau, the first thing that comes to my mind is Lord Stow’s egg tart!

I read that all their egg tarts are served freshly baked from the oven!!

Look at the crust and the hot creamy egg custard in the centre!!

*slurp*

Other than egg tart, Macau has lots more to offer!

I also wanna try pork chop bun from Tai Lei Loi Kei (大利來記) 

Look at the juicy pork chop covered by the crispy bun!

Isin't it mouth watering?

And also dessert from Mok Yi Kei (莫義記)

2. The Casino.

How can you visit the “Las Vegas of the Far East” without stepping into a casino right?

Although I’m don’t gamble, but that does not mean I cannot admire the architecture of the stunning casino resorts. Right?

I mean look at Venetian Macau.

The boutique: Wynn Macau

I think the experience of it is priceless.

Source: Wikimedia

I wish to go there at night so that I can soak into the beauty of the stunning lights.

3. The diverse Beauty.

With such a rich history, Macau is a place where you can feel like being in Asia and in Portugal at the very same moment.

Their unique history is reflected in the diverse beauty of the city.

Ruins of St Paul’s (Ruínas de São Paulo / 大三巴牌坊)

Source: EatAndTravelWithUs.com

Macau Tower

Source: Travelcie

Senado Square (Largo do Senado / 議事亭前地) 

Source: travel.chinesecio.com

So there you go!
The 3 main things that stir my lust towards Macau.
Their food, casinos and diverse beauty.

Thank you Macau Government Tourist Office (MGTO) and Nuffnang Malaysia for adding Macau to the my list of places to go before I die!

 :]

The process of becoming

The books that I read are normally introduced by others or the daily devotion email that I’ve subscribed to.

But this book is different.

I went to Canaan Land bookstore the other day to get some books for my friend, and I just walk up to the book shelve, saw this book, took it and bought it.

This is the reason why Oyan Lok often has to control me when I’m in a bookstore.

Normally she will ask me what I want to buy and what my budget for the trip is so that she can remind me of my words if I ever go crazy.

But I went there without her that time.

So I bought it.

And I never regretted it!

The best book I read last year was Captivating by John and Stasi Eldrege. 

It makes me realize the heart of God for me.

How loved I am by Him.

And this book, Becoming Myself is by the coauthor of Captivating, Stasi Eldrege.

We are loved. Born out of love, into love, to know love, and to be loved.

~pg. 21

Embracing ourselves has nothing to do with arrogance or settling for a lower version of who we are. Embracing ourselves has everything to do with embracing the goodness of God’s creative work in us. It means trusting God, believing that all he has made is glorious and good. And that includes us. You are the only one who can be you. The world, the kingdom of God, and all those around you need you to embrace who you are created to be as you become more fully your true self.

~ pg. 99

Women are particularly vulnerable to fears of all kinds because we are, because we love, because in God’s gracious design we are vulnerable and gloriously so. Our vulnerability is part of what makes us women; it enables us to love as we do, to protect relationship as we do, to comfort and offer mercy, to bring a creative eye to the world. And yes, it also makes us vulnerable to fear. 

~ pg. 109

The hard, true thing about our deepest fears is that what happens is completely out of our control. Life is primarily out of our control. People are out of our control, and certainly their choices are out of our control. There is only one person we can ultimately choose life over fear for. Ourselves.

~ pg. 112

Jesus in the only one who can meet the deepest needs of your heart, and he wants you to know how deeply he love you so badly that he’s moved heaven and earth to do so. He is the only one who will never disappoint you, never ever leave you, comfort you intimately, and love you perfectly every single moment of your life. Invite him in.

~ pg. 151

If we are insecure in ourselves or our life choices, then people who make choices different from ours can feel threatening. We judge.

~ pg. 167

You won’t understand your life, you won’t see clearly what happened o you or how to live forward from here, unless you see it as battle. A war against your heart.

~ pg. 171

Jesus doesn’t pant after our service, as wonderful as it is. As much as he has planted desires and dreams in our hearts, he doesn’t give first place to the use of our gifts to further the kingdom of God or to minister to his beloved lambs. Jesus says that the greatest command is to love him. We love him by loving others, yes, but God gives first place to our loving him, and we do that simply by being with him, spending time with him, fixing our gaze on who he is.

~ pg. 199

We hurt others when we interpret their actions through lenses of misunderstanding wrought in our brokenness and sin. We are hurt by others when they do it to us.

~ pg. 203

The world needs a woman who is thankful for how God has made her, trust that he is transforming her, and actually enjoy who she is. It’s a good thing to like who you are. God likes you! We get to like ourselves too! When you like yourself, you are free to enjoy others, and in your presence people experience an invitation to become and enjoy who they truly are as well.

~ pg. 226

We increasingly lean on Jesus, calling on him to live his life through us. And as he does, we are transformed into the very image of God. We discover the brilliant truth that the more his we become, the more ourselves we become.

~ pg. 234

--

I'm no where near perfect.
I know this at the core of my heart.

But in His eyes, I am perfect.
And I am becoming the me He created me to be.

Is a process.
A process to walk and enjoy with Him.

Finally

“Finally.” She sighed, relieved that the production has come to an end. 

“Dong. Dong Dong. Dong.” The music of the next scene started playing at the background.

Oh! There are 6 more scenes to go before the production ends. But at least she finished her part and now she can wipe out all the dance steps from her memory.

You might think that she hates being a part in this production. 

She doesn’t. 

Then why does she so eagerly want it to end?

Well, to her, it symbolizes closure. 

The past few months haven’t been easy for her.
Everything that can go wrong in every area of her life did.
It wasn’t easy.

Tears. Joy. Excitement. Nervous. Anger. Disappointment. Fear. Love.

The combinations of these emotions almost drown her.

If it wasn’t for her Father’s constant reminder and assistance to help her to make sense of all these, she would have gone nuts by now.

She try her very best to rush through this season. 

But who can she fool?

Time never stops for anybody, time never run for anyone either.

One lesson she learned throughout these few months is that life goes on, no matter what.

Life isn’t like school exams.

In school, though you have examination on different subject, you can still tackle it one by one.

Finish revision for Maths first then only start on Chemistry. 

Put aside Physics until the day before exam and pray that God will help.

But life isn’t like school exams.

You can’t put aside something and tackle another.

It all comes together and you got to resolve it all together.

And they tangle together as well.

The emotions from work affect your reaction at home.

The disappointments from church affect your passion for life.

Things just aren’t that simple.

Life is complex.

A lot of her struggles and worries are out of her control.

She couldn’t understand why things didn’t work out as she thought it will when she did what her Father asked of her.

Then she realized that she was to respond to her Father request and her Father had never promised the outcome that she hopes for but better (in future).

But some choices were within her hands.

Whether to do what was burning in her heart or just let it slide away and regret in the future.

Whether to follow her Father’s heart or follow her weak will of mind.

She now learns that life is too short to play it safe.

Is nerve-racking to play life her Father’s way, but the excitement and joy of it cannot be compared by the security of social norm.

Words. Glance.

Those were the things that hurt her the most.

Disapprovals, doubts and fears tried to invade into her heart.

She wanted to be safe from all that, but she didn’t run away fast enough.

So they pierced through her heart and bleed.

She could only cry to express.

She could only shout to release.

But the refuge in her Father’s arm always put an end to those pains.

An ending of a chapter it might seem.

But life doesn’t just stop because she wants to or she needs to.

The waves are rushing through her toes, another season have arrived.

Is 12:36 a.m.

I’m suppose to get some sleep but I feel obligated to write something right now, right here.

I feel obligated not because I have to write something, obligated because I need to get things out of my chest.

I don’t know when I started acting the way I am now.

Maybe there isn’t any specific time or incident can be pin pointed.

Maybe is a series of different incidents over the time that shape me to who I am today.

But I find relationship tiring.

I find dealing with people nerve-racking and I find life complex when others are involved.

Today, I wanted to do something.

My intention was to use my talent and help them out.

But who knows a simple miscommunication bring them even more trouble.

I know is really not a big deal.

I do not like to bring others trouble let alone my intention was to help them.

Why! Why! Why!

I apologized.

But it felt like my apologies just faded into thin air.

I felt helpless and misunderstood.

All I wanted at that very moment was a hug, a shoulder to let me cry a little.

Then there is this someone that is just too unique for me to figure it out.

For a while we can talk to each other, but the next second I’m invisible.

What is happening?!

Can someone just enlighten me?

Life can be simple.

You just have to give me a good book, leave me alone on an isolated island and I’ll be a happy girl.

But life is complex.

It is complex because different people are involved.

It is complex because we are all emotional being.

I really don’t know is because of my hormones or what.

But I really want all this to end.

I need all these to end.

Bangkok, wait for me.

Why can't I be myself?

One question has been popping up in my mind lately.

“Why can’t I be myself?” 

This is not a question to demand others to let me be myself. 

But this is a question I asked myself when I’m not being “myself” in different situation.

For example, when I’m talking to Oyan I can easily convey what I’m trying to convey and most of the time she gets what I mean.

But when I’m talking to someone else about the same issue, I can be speechless.

And in front of certain people I can confidently be myself. 

Be bubbly, talkative, joking around and making a fool out of myself.

But when some other people appear, I would be quiet. 

Awkwardly awkward and just couldn’t get myself together. 

And times like that make me ask myself this question.

“Why am I not being myself?”

Then God told me this. 

“This IS you.”

I’m LOUD.

I’m quiet.

I’m CONFIDENT.

I’m insecure.

I’m JOYFUL.

I’m emotional.

I’m SOCIABLE.

I’m anti-social.

The very essence of me is not being constant in every situation and every second of my life.

But the essence of me includes the quirkiness of mine that God in some way find it interesting.

I might not be the same to everybody, but that’s still me.

It is in me that I find it uncomfortable to talk to someone.

It is in me that I need God to be my confidence and security.

It is in me that I need time to sort out my emotions.

It is in me that I need time to be alone.

I am still me!
I'm learning to embrace ME.

:)

Inktober

Focus on HIM alone

Li Hui

I surrender

In HIS Love I hide

Li Hui again

For Lai Yee

*shy*

Will you accept my apologies?

Hamsap hippo

Giraffe

Meow!

Catwoman

The other day when my colleague fetched my home, she said that I’m a cat person.

I look at her in doubt and she say my personality is more like a cat than a dog.

I don’t really know how cats carry themselves, but my colleague said the below characteristic of mine are very “cat”. 

I like to be alone.

I don’t like to be touched by others and will over react when it happens.

I love freedom.

I don’t mingle around.

I can be very merciless (or task oriented, don’t tell me about your feelings when it comes to business!)

I’m a bit mysterious. (I don’t tell them much about myself; I don’t even add them on facebook!)

Do cats act this way?

Anyway, I googled and one of the article says that cats are extremely smart and would get straight A’s.

Oh! That’s me!

I sleep in my class ALL THE TIME and I still graduated with First Class Honor! 

*sombong!*

It also says that cats groom themselves very well.
Aiks! I think I need to improve on that!

Who are you?

who are you, really?

you are not a name or a height

or a weight or a gender

you are not an age

and you are not where you are from

you are your favourite books

and the songs stuck in you head

you are your thoughts

and what you eat for breakfast on Saturday mornings.

you are a thousand things

but everyone chooses to see the million things you are not

you are not where you are from

you are where you’re going

and I’d like to go there too.

~ m.k

---

I fall in love with this when I first read it.

I like how he describe I am my favorite books.
I like how he says that I am the sons that stuck in my head.

I love that he knows I am not where I'm from but where I'm going.

Past is a scary thing.
It can haunt you forever if you allow it.

People are scary as well.
They say things about you that you know for a second is not true then before you knew it, you start doubting yourself.

I am not where I'm from.
I am where I'm going.

The past doesn't matter, the present is not as important but the direction of my life is precious.

As your equal

Remember the book “The lost message of Jesus” by Steve Chalke? 

The teaching of this book is so solid that until now I’m still chewing on it.

“Thus turning the other cheek (Matthew 5:39) wasn’t passive; it was proactive. The “inferior” was saying, “I’m a human being, just like you. I refuse to be humiliated any longer. I am your equal. If you want to hit me again, you will have to acknowledge that.” Jesus isn’t teaching “just take it”, but exactly the reverse; “Stand up for yourself, take control, but don’t answer your oppressor on their terms.” ~ pg. 131

You HAVE to read this book to really grasp the full understanding of what he is trying to share here. But the idea of treating others as my equal had been brewing in my mind for a while.

I was thinking; have the different level of status in our society forced people to not treat each other as their equal?

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t respect our parents and leaders.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t submit to them.

But I’m just thinking if respect and submission should be expected from someone that’s “below” us?

I was bathing the other day and I just felt God reminded me the story of the women who came to Jesus’ feet wash them with tears, wiped them with her hair, kissed His feet and anointed them with the fragrant oil.

Jesus was in the house of a Pharisees, Simon who called Him teacher. 

Simon should have given Jesus water for His feet but he didn’t.
Simon should have kiss Jesus, but he didn't.

The thing is this.

Jesus didn’t demand him to do so when he didn’t.

But when the women freely gave her adoration and respect to Jesus, He freely received it.

Jesus never forced others to give Him the treatment He should have as The Son of God. 

Instead, He treated people around Him as His equal.

Though He rebuked them, but He never oppressed them.

He never went around telling others to respect Him, but He taught us to respect others.

Jesus wasn’t interested on the treatment that He was getting.

He is interested in the way we treat each other.

Jesus compelled others to honor, respect, submit and worship Him through His lifestyle.

He didn’t force this practice into the people around Him through His teaching.

I want to live like Jesus.

I hope that the way I live compelled others to follow me and not because of the title I carry.

I hope others respect and honor me because of the life I’ve lived and not because of the position I’m in.

I hope others will see Christ in me. 

And I hope to be treated equally.

: )