My beautiful legs

I’ve never given much thoughts about this until it happen to me.

Is bad for 2 bitter person to “just catch up”.

Is really bad.


I’ve been through some emotion roller coaster lately and it wasn’t getting better. 

I wasn't in the mood to meet anybody but staying home all the time wasn't helping at all.

So when one of my friend called up to catch up, I reluctantly agreed to it and that was a big mistake!


We sort of update each other what we’ve been up to and how we’re feeling.

No doubt is good to finally pour out my anger, bitterness and also frustration.
But, instead of empty it all out, when she can relate to how I feel, she pour in even more anger, bitterness and frustration.

It was bad.

I spent the next few days drown in emo-ness, lost and LOST.

My hormone added on to the trouble because my period was near.

It was hard for me to climb out from it.

But thank God, He is patient with me even though I was impatient with Him.

He reassured me again and again and He reminded me again and again.

My latest “thing” is to look at my legs and be reminded of how God had miraculously head my long short leg few years back.

No doubt, He is good.

No doubt, He is real.

And He who start a good work in me will finish it.


I’ll trust in Him.

Constance with God #5

I was frustrated about the church and I was very agitated about it and I sort of complaint about it to God.

Me: God. Why is it the church is like this?

Me: Walao eh~ I cannot tahan a!! How can they do like this and that?

Me: bla bla bla… [more complaints which I’ve forgotten]

God: Don’t you dare. That’s My bride.

Me: Sorry God.

I remember long long time ago, one pastor said something like this.

“When you look at the church and how long they’ve survived, you got to believe God is real. Because if He isn't real, it is impossible for so many people to work with each other.”

I did not understand that previously but I think I do now.

Ninth tenth eleventh and twelve

This IS my last post for my 12 days Bangkok trip

Gosh~ I cannot believe that is March already and I still haven't finish it yet.

Imma squeeze everything in this last post because there's really nothing much left to share.

As the trip was getting to the end, Oyan and I needed our own space from each other.

I think I annoyed her too much already.

So on the last few days we actually went our own ways.

Sad to say this but I will not do this in Malaysia, but I feel very safe in Bangkok.

During my time alone (well, not really alone), I talked to God.

And God is special.

You never know what He'll say and when He'll say it.

Sometimes He will not answer that particular question that I asked.

But sometimes He answers.

And sometimes, He will just tell me things that surprises me.

During my last few moments with Him, He actually reminded me something that happened long long long ago.

It was something that I overheard when I was younger.

It wasn't very mean or harsh and I know the person who said it didn't mean any harm.

But the problem is, the devil had used that against me.

And it had sown a seed so deep that I thought it was part of who I am.

But is not.

I think, this year God is redefining somethings in my life.

Some parts of my life that I've forgotten.

Some parts of my life that I've gotten comfortable with.

Some parts of my life that is silently killing my soul.

That's how I got the "theme" of my new season.

REDEFINING

UNICORN!!!!

I believe in them.

Do you?

Ways to live

Today I learned that there's many ways to live life.

You can choose to live to please yourself.

You can choose to live to please others.

or

You can choose to live to please God.

I wonder, which one is worst?
Pleasing yourself or pleasing others?

Today I learned that frustration and anger comes from disappointment.

Disappointment that came from wrongly set goals.

Goals that were set outside of what I can control.

Like the weather, I cannot control how others respond.

Especially when the "other" is God.

I've been very frustrated and angry towards God.

I asked Him again and again why had He brought me out to this path yet did not provide a clearer vision or even more provision.

I expect things to be better now, I expect God would have responded in a way or another for my obedience towards His calling.

But no.

He haven't.

I panicked.

Looking at the little that I have, I panicked.

Looking at the abundance that others have, I panicked.

Listening to all sorts disappointment that I am, I panicked.

I wanted to take things back from God's hand into my own.

I cannot wait anymore.

How much longer do I need to wait?

I shouted, I yelled, I cried.

No response from Him.

No special text or special prayer.

No special word or special verse.

Nothing.

And there's one other thing missing as well.

P.E.A.C.E.

To please God, is to stay when He said so even though is hard to stay.

To please God, is to stay when He said so even though I don't know why I stay.

To please God, is to stay when He said so even though I don't feel like it.

To please God.

To please God.

To please God.

Surrender.

Prayer closet

During a worship session, the worship leader said "prayer closet" and this image below came to mind.

I think his exact words are "go in to your prayer closet."

err... excuse me.

May I know why we need a specific closet to pray?

Eighth

The dilemma of this long trip was I felt very excited and thought that I had all the time I need to enjoy. 

Then as time passed by and I started to struggle, I wanted the trip to end.
But when it’s going to end, I didn’t want it to end. 

Day 8 was a day of encounter.

Because God spoke to me through a movie. 

God speaks to me through a lot of different ways such as books, movies, drama and musics. 

Sometimes something random that I just saw and God will pop in some revelation to me and hit me at the heart. :)

He always does that. 

I love it.

Anyway, the movie channel of the hotel kept repeating the same movie over and over again but I didn't had the time to watch it because it always clashed with our schedule.

I forgotten what happened that day, but we were in the hotel room and I think Oyan is sleeping or something else and I just watch movie like I always does.

And the movie I watched is none other than “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty”.

I always thought this movie is a story about someone very successful and how he became successful. 

Totally not my cup of tea but I watched it anyway. And to me, it was filled with wisdom.

I normally don’t do this, but I wrote down the 2 lines that impacted me the most.

“The beauty does not call for attention.”

“The reason I’m day dreaming so much is because I’m not living the life I want and ought to live.”

The last time I checked, I day dream lesser.

Is a good sign right?

my love for leggings!

When I first knew about leggings, I resisted it.
I didn’t think that such obvious portray of the shape of our legs are pretty.

So I never tried it, never wore it.

On top of that, my friends laughed at me when I first wore leggings.

I wore because my friends decided to doll up for a drink.

I had nothing “pretty” in my wardrobe.
The only cloths you’ll find is baggy jeans, shorts and t-shirts.

So my friend lend me her leggings and a pretty green top.

Though they say I looked good in it, but nonetheless they laughed at me.

That’s what friends are for. ;]

One of them decided to intervene with my wardrobe crisis and brought me shopping.

We saw one legging and I tried it on.

It was the worst experience ever!

S was too small and M was too big!

Again, they laughed at me.

Friends.

Until last year when I went to Thailand with Oyan, H&M had sales.

Legging was only 100 Bath.

So I got one and the rest is history.

I regretted getting one so late because they are by far the most comfy pants I ever wore.

I have 6 leggings in total.

And I can't wait to get more!

Leggings.

Constance with God #4

This is how I feel most of the time.

A kick in the butt from God.

my wanderlust

Part of my 2015 new year resolution is to travel less.

I only have 3 overseas trip in mind and so far 2 is confirmed.

3 more months until my first trip and I'm just desperate to travel!

I want to walk around and observe other's culture!

I want to talk to eat streets food and talk to strangers!
I want to get a way so far from reality that I'll find myself.

I don't think I can take it for another 3 months.
Someone, please rescue me from this mundane life.

I heard your cry

The music was playing and the singer was still singing.

I cannot recall what song they sang but I remember standing in front of the stage wrestling with God.

“I don’t care. Today I want to hear Your voice. I want You to speak through Pastor”.

I was against the norm that day. 

On normal days I will leave once Pastor laid their hands on me no matter they prophecy or say a prayer over me or nothing at all. 

But that day was different, I insisted.

I wanted to hear His voice badly.

I did not walk away after the Pastor laid hands on me. 

I stood there, struggling. 

The devil is a cunning creature. 

He will use what is normal to trick you away from God. 

It was a battle of the mind.

“What will they think of me for not leaving?” 

“What will they say?” 

“Will I get scold for not leaving so that others can be prayed for?”

I gathered all my mental strength whenever thoughts like this popped up.

“NO! I will not leave until I hear God speak to me through Pastor.”
“Lord, please. I really need to hear You.”
“I don’t care what they’ll say. I want to hear from You.”

“God, please.”

And as the battle was raging in my mind I heard Pastor’s wife’s voice praying for the person next to me.


“Good, I’m next.” I thought to myself.

Waiting… and before I knew it Pastor is praying in tongues over me.

“The Lord would say yes, I heard your cry. The time you prayed, you cry out to me. I’m working says God in ways that you don’t see. I’m working to bring things about. You look and you say God how can it be this way and church another way and my family. God says I see the cry in your heart and I’m working says God. I’m working, I’m working, I’m working. As you’re faithful, as you’re faithful you take care of my business and I’ll take care of your business says God. Even in the midst of opposition even in the midst of words that have been spoken, you have been faithful. Today I break the power of the words, I break the power of control and I break the power of the soul tie over your life.”

*Thank you Shirley for the recording*

I fell down and thought it was over. 

But he asked the catcher to bring me up to my feet again and he prayed for joy, joy of the Lord, fresh oil, a new day over my life.

I couldn't stop crying. 

I was touched by God’s presence and I was overjoyed that God responded to my cry.

Is not easy to live in my mind because wars are going on 24/7. 

Sometimes I think I’m crazy because I constantly struggle between what God told me and what was taught.

But to hear God’s confirmation, I know I’m not. 

God had been graceful to me that He had given me encounters after encounters showing me that He is doing a new work in this world and a wave of revelation is coming. 

I’ve seen a lot of His works in the people around me.
(Ok. While typing this I just heard God’s confirmation for me to stay, again.)

What was once closed is going to be reopen by Him.

No. Wait a second, is already opened.

:)

Thank you Jesus.

Real vs nice

I was about to sleep but there’s this burden in my heart that I feel it need to be poured out before I head over to dream land.

I was talking to my colleague earlier today and I told her that I’m more real to them than to my church members.

Is sad, but is true.

I ponder about it for a moment and I realise I’m more real when I’m with my friends compared to my church members.

I remembered long ago when I needed help, my first instinct was to look for my friends instead of church members. My friends were the ones that pull me through my darkest day, joke with me and lift me up again. Now, though I might not look for my friends when I need help, but I still never look for my church members for help.

Put me into a situation where I need to confront someone, it’s easier for me to tell the truth brutally to my friends but I can't do it to my church members because I think I should be "nice".

So I thought, what is the problem? Why the double standard?

I ask God, why can’t I be real towards my church members but instead I want to be "nice"?

You know what He said? 

He told me that I choose to be "nice" because I am afraid of their comments and reactions towards me. 

What will they say? What will they think?

And I have wrongly taken those comments as God's thoughts about me.

But God is God, and they are not God no matter they are church members, leaders or even pastor. They are not God.

So if they ever said something negative about me, is ok. 

That shouldn't diminish my value, because my value is given by God not them. 

They can't take away what they have not given me.

God had proven my value when He sent Jesus to die on the cross as me.

For the past few months, a lot of misunderstandings took place and I felt pressured to compromise to be like the norm. 

I have to constantly remind myself that this life I live, I live for God. 

And that means I have to do what Abba showed and asked me to do even though I might hear a lot of voices calling me to do otherwise.

I’m not being mean to the church, I’m being real to my feelings. 

As I always said that feelings is not the dictator of our life but it serves well as an indicator of something deeper. 

If I constantly have this feeling, it means something is wrong and I have to commit it to God and deal with it. 

Once dealt with, I need not to bury it anymore but to constantly renew my mind to be more Christ like.

:]

In times of hardship, remember.

Was reminded of this beautiful scene just moments ago and decided to draw it out.

I still can recall the joy, peace and excitement I had that moment!
It wasn't an easy route to make that decision but nevertheless I decided with the courage He gave me.

And in times, I will be discouraged and impatient.
Who am I kidding? It happened just few days ago.

But I must remember.

Remember all the promises.

Remember all the reason.

Remember Him.

:]